Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S01 E03. Food.
First broadcast 30th May 2018.
Jon Richardson
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Rob Beckett
Rose Matafeo
Ed Gillespie
Jon Richardson
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Rob Beckett
Rose Matafeo
Ed Gillespie
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you very much for having me.
00:30Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worryer, the show where I break down the entire world's
00:41worries and add them to my ever-growing stockpile of stress. Think of it as an ISA if you were
00:46saving up for a nervous breakdown. Here's where they live, this is my worry index. All
00:51the worries in the world have been carefully filed away in here following decades of thorough
00:55analysis. Anything you see that's red has been classified as a severe worry, the orange
01:00ones are moderate, and anything I consider a low worry is a sort of turquoise. Let's
01:07have a closer look at a low worry, which is this. I worry that Netflix is secretly trolling
01:13me. This is the recent news that Netflix keep tabs on what their viewers are watching, and
01:17they're definitely trolling me with suggestions like this. Alvin and the Chipmunks 3, Chip
01:24I've not even seen the first two films, so, you know. I mean, as it happened, it's the
01:28best film I've ever seen, but they couldn't have known that. So that's a glimpse into
01:31what's already in the worry index. Tonight we'll be logging some new worries, which are
01:34all related to a theme, which tonight is food. Please welcome my guests for tonight, Victoria
01:40Corrin-Mitchell and Rob Beckett. You strike me as a man, if I might say so, who doesn't
01:59worry a lot about life. Not really. I think I was a bit nervous as a kid, but I've just
02:03sort of grown up and I just don't care. Have you got like a single worry in the world?
02:08Do you know what? The only thing that, I don't really worry about anything, but the only
02:11thing that really sticks into my mind is whenever I go for a massage. You sort of lay down and
02:17you have your pants on, and then what they do is they put the towel in the top of your
02:21pants and put it down a bit and expose a little bit of your bum crack. And then whenever they
02:25do that, I immediately just panic, and it's like a real weird flush of panic that I've
02:30got a poo smear. That's the only time I worry, I go, what if there's a poo smear? Good. Well,
02:40I'm going to file away the worry that I worry grown men aren't wiping their bums properly.
02:45I mean, I take that as grown men as a compliment, so thank you for that as a grown man. Victoria,
02:51if I were to judge, I would say to be a successful poker player as you are, you can't worry too
02:55much about consequences, otherwise you wouldn't gamble. Actually, poker, like chess and other
03:01sorts of games like that, is full of people who use it as a way of ordering an otherwise
03:07chaotic and terrifying world. So I'm not frightened of consequences at the poker table, I'm frightened
03:12of consequences everywhere else. I don't worry about public speaking, I don't worry about
03:17losing money in a poker game or carrying money in a strange city at night. What's that one
03:22come from? The other ones, I was like, yeah, I'm getting this. I was like, that came out of nowhere.
03:27No, if you play poker, then you have to do a lot of walking about places you don't know with a lot
03:30of cash. At Bingo, the security guard walks... If my mum wins Bingo, the security guard walks her to
03:37the multi-storey car park next to the cinema. Did you win about 400,000 euro, I think, in the poker
03:43stores? Yeah, I've done that a couple of times. But how long do you have to play for when you
03:46won 400,000? Four or five days. Four or five days. See, my mum was in there 30 minutes. 800 quid,
03:52bang, she's back home for Emmerdale. So it's just, you know, it's just whatever lifestyle you choose, isn't it?
03:57Let's kick things off. Let's file away my first worry of the night, which is this one. I worry
04:04that people are eating badly. And to be clear, I'm not talking about people eating bad foods.
04:09I'm talking about you eat whatever you like, as far as I'm concerned, so long as you do it in the
04:13correct order and with adherence to the correct rules. So I've written a small pamphlet, which is
04:19John Richardson's Universal Guide to Eating. It's basically a guide that tells you how to eat any food,
04:25because I just think people aren't getting the basics right on a lot of foods. Like what? Well,
04:31I'm glad you asked. Muller Fruit Corner. Alright. A lot of people think you can just eat a Muller
04:35Fruit Corner any way you like, but you can't. I'm gonna get the pointer out, if I may. Now,
04:41this is taken from the advert, so you can see this. They're telling us, the guys at Muller,
04:45this is how to eat a Muller Fruit Corner. You'll notice initially, no under-spill. Now,
04:50you can't get yoghurt on a spoon like that by just dipping it in, because you're gonna get
04:54the under-spill. So what that tells us, this is a tertiary spoon situation. So you've got your
04:59holding slash eating spoon, you've clearly got your secondary spoon for dolloping on the yoghurt
05:04there, and then you've got a tertiary spoon for delicately applying the fruit layer on top,
05:09and you do this for each mouthful. Jon, are you happy? Are you alright? I just don't think
05:20there's time to get into that, really. Fair enough. Let's get back to the spoon. I'll tell
05:24you what, though. I've got a clean body. I'd like to talk to you about sandwiches. Fair enough. So
05:35sandwiches... Because my MP will not return my calls. I've got you a couple of sandwiches here.
05:43Oh, thanks. So Victoria, that's your sandwich there. That's a basic chicken salad, is that
05:47alright? Classic. Yeah. Put it on a little paper plate, so it feels like we're having a party. It
05:51looks like, Victoria, you put in Victoria, and it looks like it's a new spice at Nando's. That's
05:55right. That's a sandwich. Cheers. Thank you. Happy with that? Yeah. So if you want to sort of tuck
05:59into that sandwich, I'll just watch. Whoa! What's happening there? That's not how you'd eat a
06:09sandwich. You're doing that to piss me off, surely. That's not how you eat a sandwich in real life.
06:18You have taken out the best part of the sandwich, centre middle, with your first mouthful. So now
06:23you're working towards a conclusion that's not as good as what you... You've eaten the best bit,
06:27you've ruined the whole thing. No. Well, you never know what can happen in life.
06:34Imagine if I died now, and I'd just gone crust. I'd be fuming.
06:44Can I take a bit of sandwich off you there? Please have yourself. I'll show you what needs
06:47to be done. I won't eat this sandwich because it's got chicken in it, and that might give me joy.
06:54So what you're going to do, you're going to start with the corner, as you've correctly done there,
06:57you're going to take this corner off here, then you're going to take this corner off here,
07:00then you're going to delicately pivot the sandwich, holding the filling right in there.
07:04Oh, no, no, no. Don't want any spillage. We're going to take off... This is the worst bit of
07:07the sandwich. This is really just bread. Oh, there's a nice bit of cucumber in there, to be
07:12fair. We're going to take this corner off, then we're going to work along this side, we're going
07:15to work along this side. What we've left ourselves with there is a sort of smaller triangle of just
07:21filling and bread. So it's very difficult to go wrong at this point, but if you ask, again,
07:26corner, corner, corner, front, middle, finish the sandwich. Can I make a suggestion? Yeah.
07:30Just eat baguettes. Why does it worry you how someone else eats? Because I want to spread
07:38joy throughout the world, Victoria, and the way I do that is by staring at people on the tube
07:42eating their lunch. If I would eat a burger on the tube, that would kill you. You'd go,
07:46I'd eat a burger on the tube if I'm in a rush. I don't mind you eating a burger on the tube,
07:49so long as you let me watch and make notes. Basically, what you want to do, you want to
07:53look at any meal as if it was a music festival, and you want to say, what is my headline act?
07:58Where do I want this to end? You put them on last. I'll show you some food, you tell me where you
08:02think the headline act is, right? So this is the first food, lovely bowl of soup. What's happening
08:07there? Where's your headliner? It's the soup, isn't it? It is the soup. Still got a headliner,
08:11Rob. Your headliner. Tricky one, this. And if you're serving soup, don't put the spoon in
08:15straight away, because you've got soup right up the handle there, which I'm going to have to lick
08:19off to start with a clean spoon, which is not an elegant start to a meal, to be honest. Headliner's
08:24right in the middle. It's all about temperature here. You want to keep that middle bit, it's
08:27core temperature, as hot as you can, so you're working around the rim. Behave yourselves.
08:33Constantly around the rim of the bowl, and that core centre is staying warm right to the end of
08:37the soup. So a tricky one. You're by no means a fool for not knowing that one. Next meal,
08:43roast dinner. Where's your headliner? All of it. All of it. You want a little bit of everything.
08:48You want a bit of roast potato, you want a little carrot baton, you want a bit of your meat, you
08:52want some broccoli, you want some Yorkshire pudding. You're cutting these up, you're working...
08:55More of a jazz ensemble than a music festival. Oh, no, no. You see that a classic vegetarian speaks.
09:00You fork down the broccoli first out of grim duty, and then you have the nice thing.
09:06We're going to file that away now into my worry index. So we're talking about the worry that
09:10people are eating badly. Serious, moderate, amateur fracking, loneliness. I mean, it's so
09:16closely linked to loneliness in my head. Loneliness, that's a bleak one for mid-level, isn't it?
09:20It sort of feels like... Where on that scale is the infinite bleak horror of finite consciousness?
09:26Is that severe? I think that's the sort of middle worry. It feels like it has to go with loneliness
09:32to me, because it's basically what we're talking about. I'm going to put it between loneliness
09:35and amateur fracking. There we go. That's fair. Eating badly on the list.
09:40Well, that's the end of part one, so why not go and grab yourself a jaffa cake and then eat
09:48carefully around the circumference of the disc of orange jelly. Peel it gently off the sponge
09:52before eating the rest of the sponge. Pick the chocolate off the orange jelly and then put the
09:56disc onto your tongue and let it dissolve in its own time. We'll see you in a bit.
10:10APPLAUSE
10:15Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier, where tonight we are looking at worries exclusively to do with
10:20food. Now, sometimes I worry I don't know all the things I should be worried about,
10:24which is where my guests come in. Victoria, do you have a worry about food?
10:28Many, many worries. Chiefly, I worry about buffets. I worry that I will have to select
10:36food with people watching. I mean, I hate everything about a buffet. It's the greatest
10:41concentration of food that should be in a fridge, not in a fridge. So you can sort of watch crusts
10:48form on mayonnaise lies, and then eventually they take the cling film off and then people
10:54crowd over just wheezing and coughing and sneezing and sputtering and dribbling into food, and then
10:59it's your turn to stand there and have the sort of crusty, old, warm, separated, germy food. And
11:05then everyone watches you. Oh, having some of that. Another helping of that. Oh, you like that?
11:08Really? Do you think you really need that? Ah, I hate it. Still, thanks for inviting me to your
11:13wedding. Weddings are the absolute worst. Let me tell you what it costs to go to somebody's
11:17wedding now. First of all, you always have to go to the hen night somewhere far away. It costs a
11:21fortune. You've flown there, you've got to pay for a hotel. Then the wedding is somewhere far
11:24away again, so you've got the travel, you've got the hotel, you've got the present, you've got to
11:27buy something new. It will kill you to bring me some chicken where I'm sitting in a chair.
11:31I have to stand in queue, everyone's staring. I mean, bring the food around on plates already. I
11:36sort of feel like I need a new list for you. I think I was about 12 worries in about a minute
11:42and a half there. The central anxiety is that people will watch me choosing food. You're worried
11:49you're going to be watched at a buffet? Yes. Is this a sort of poker thing that you don't want
11:53people to know what you've got? Yeah. Keep your carbs closer to your chest. It's very exposing.
12:00People sort of say, oh, it's interesting that we eat in large groups socially. We never defecate
12:04in large groups socially. For me, it's the same. It's the same. My concern with a buffet is that I
12:11think I'm really good at it. So I think I'll pretty much dish up the perfect plate of food.
12:16And I think other people look at me and think, oh, shit, I should have done that. That guy knows
12:19what he's doing. Do you get food envy watching people? You just said that nobody looks at what's
12:23on your plate, and they do. Do you remember a few years ago, there was all this thing about,
12:27before pre-Tinder, it was all about, oh, you might meet someone in the supermarket,
12:30so make sure you always have in your basket something that looks a bit sexy.
12:35Because you might, so I'd always have... Well, like a cucumber and lube.
12:40But they would always, the magazines would always say that. You know, you never know.
12:44If I had sexy, oh, that chicken looks well fit, I'll put that in.
12:47Get his fucking legs out, dirty basket. You filthy little fucker.
12:53Look at you getting that basket. I'm on the pole.
12:55They introduced this idea of, be careful what's in your shopping basket,
12:58because people are looking. So I would walk around, make sure your basket's got
13:02some lychee, a pot of Elm Lea, a packet of mates, you know, and it just means I'm very aware of
13:08people looking at what you want to eat. There are people who thrive in a buffet
13:12situation and love a buffet too much. This is a headline from a recent news story.
13:17A pair banned from All You Can Eat restaurant for eating too much.
13:22Absolute heroes. Yeah.
13:25This is a Mongolian restaurant in Brighton, banned two customers,
13:28who he said were eating them out of business. That's the restaurant in the background.
13:32Those are the two guys. They've had that shot. The photographer's obviously said,
13:35I'm not getting a sense of the story. Could you look full? Of course they can.
13:47So their argument is, the bowls are too small, you keep having to go up. And it's a trick,
13:51basically. They're saying, keep going up with bowls to get meat. And he said,
13:55right, you're eating too much meat. Whose side are you on, the restaurant or the...
13:59No, their side. You can't call yourself an All You Can Eat buffet and then go,
14:03actually, it's not all you can eat. I think in that situation, I would sort
14:08of side with the restaurant, but he looks so let down, that guy on the right.
14:12I just feel I can't help but be on his side. Let's put this worry in the worry index,
14:15then. I worry that people are watching me at a buffet. I think it has to go down near the bottom
14:21of the list, between flatulence and jet skis. There we go. People watching me at a buffet.
14:34Rob Beckett. I'm worried that food now isn't as good as it was when I was a kid.
14:41Food becomes a bit too serious as an adult, doesn't it? Like, oh, that Michelin star,
14:44this or this. You just want a face on it. I just want a face on it.
14:50I remembered recently the fiendish feet yoghurt pot, which is basically a kid's yoghurt and it
14:55had little plastic feet on it. And I did wonder, at what point does an adult not want yoghurt with
15:01feet on the pot? I still draw a little face when we boil eggs. Why not? Why don't you want to see
15:08a little smiley face when you're eating? And then smash his head off and eat his guts.
15:12No, but that's the thing with, like, drink. Like, drink is rubbish as an adult, isn't it? Not like,
15:17you know, alcohol is nice and fun, but like, when you go to someone's house, I feel like we've been
15:21bullied into liking tea and coffee. It's horrible. But it's the only thing you get offered. You go
15:27anywhere. Do you want a tea or a coffee? No. But then after a while you just give in because you
15:32can't go, you got any squash? Sorry. But is this to do with being a child or the 80s compared to
15:39now? Because I would say, looking at the world, food is the only thing that's got better. I'm still
15:43pro-turkey twizzlers. Let's look at the Rob that was obsessed with turkey twizzlers. Let's look at
15:49Rob. There he is. That's a happy Rob, though. That's a Rob who's looking forward to everything
16:01he's eating that week. Yeah. Turkey twizzlers. What else are we talking in this era? Oh, just
16:06all the old frozen shit that was at the bottom of the freezer. Yes. You know, when your mum used
16:11to do a dinner and it was just whatever was loose in the freezer and then awful loose in the freezer
16:15dinner. Whatever had come loose. Yeah, mum's like, oh, mum's not been shopping. So I go,
16:20what have we got for dinner? She's like, um, we've got, uh, uh, three fish fingers.
16:26What, a half a waffle? Got some peas. Always peas. It was terrible. Everything was awful. School
16:33food, awful. Home, awful. If we went to my grandparents, do you know what my grandma used
16:36to do? My granny was so worried that if people were coming for a Sunday lunch that it wouldn't
16:40be ready, she'd cook it the day before. Whole thing. Meat, vegetables, everything. Roast the
16:44whole thing. And then, you know how now they go, oh, you can do the potatoes. They did everything.
16:48And then put it, warm it up in the oven the next day. Horrible. And you had to eat it.
16:52What a sign of love. The day before. I'll get it ready. I'll do a dress rehearsal dinner. Going
16:57back to the squash. Would you eat a certain squash with a certain meal? So would you eat like a
17:02blackcurrant squash with red meat? A lemon squash with fish? No, I'm a laid-back guy, John. Anything
17:08you give me, I'll drink. And you just genuinely love all of them? Yeah, I still drink squash now.
17:13Because what is coming across is a complete lack of pretension about just saying, well,
17:16if you offer me a drink, I want Ribena, and you should just get me what I want. And I think there's
17:20a level of pretension that has peaked with this next gentleman, who is Martin, who is a water
17:28sommelier. My name is Martin Riese. I live in Los Angeles, and I am a water sommelier.
17:36A sommelier is a gentleman who works in a restaurant and recommends different wine pairings.
17:41I'm doing the same with water. So all these waters taste completely different,
17:45and it all depends on the different mineral levels. My passion for water began as a child,
17:51but I drink it professionally now.
17:56To one-on-one class here at Patina restaurant, people can taste different waters with me.
18:01When water is pure, do not drink it. Water should always have some mineral content to it.
18:07So that's Martin Riese, who is a professional piss-taker.
18:11So we're going to test your palates now to see if you can identify. So we're going to bring on a
18:23table with three different drinks for you. Those are coming out now via my johns. I have a number
18:28of johns on hand at any one point to do my lifting. So, Victoria, your table there has
18:36three different waters. Rob, I know you like squash, so you've got three different squashes.
18:43So, Victoria, what you have is a tap water. That's free. Supermarket-brand water for 40 pounds. And
18:50excitingly, water sourced, and this is a fact, from a 4,000-year-old iceberg, which costs 80
18:57pounds. So I want you to see if you can identify the iceberg water. Rob, one orange squash,
19:05one orange and mango squash, and one lemon squash. And I want you to see if you can identify the
19:11lemon squash. I would say he's got a slightly easier task than me. It's a specialist subject,
19:17so have a little go. Can you taste it? Is that double concentrate?
19:29What kind of heathen have you got making this? It's full up to the brim. How much do you think
19:33that's going to drink of it? I mean, you've kicked off about not getting offered squash. I'll bring
19:37you out three, and you're in a rush. It's too strong, and it's too full. Send it back, please.
19:43Could you taste any difference between the waters? I've no idea. That one is slightly nicer, oddly,
19:49when they're all water. That's the iceberg, that's the tap, and that's the other one. So you say an
19:54iceberg. See, Rob, where are you sitting? The mango, lemon, orange. Rob, you have correctly
20:01identified the mango, orange, and lemon squashes.
20:11Victoria, I can tell you that the iceberg water is...
20:15It's cup A. Cup A is the £80 water. C, which you said was the nightest, was the supermarket water,
20:21and B is the tap water. So you've correctly identified the night water. Can I try some
20:25iceberg? Have a bit of iceberg, mate. Do you mind me sharing cups? They all just taste like water.
20:31Do you know what it tastes like? Orange, mango, and lemon.
20:36Please, Johns, take away the glasses.
20:42Still up for dinner later, guys? So, it's time to log the worry. I worry that food and drink
20:48were much better when I was a child. Are they just not, mate? I can appreciate that you like squash,
20:56but squash is still readily available. We're going right down here, because I just think
21:00not only is food better now, but in the 80s it was positively... I mean, Jeremy Oliver's career
21:04is built on mending the bones of children who ate his food. I think it's probably around ear hair,
21:10to be honest, so I'm going to pop it right next to that. I worry that food was better when I was a child.
21:20We're going to take a break now, so why not pop into your time machine and grab yourself some
21:24opal fruits, or just accept that that's just nostalgia talking and you haven't handled the
21:28fact that you've grown up. See you after the break.
21:46Welcome back to the Ultimate Worry Aware tonight. We're looking at the world of food. Let's take a
21:50look at my next worry. I worry the world will run out of food. This is based on the statistics that
21:59say the population is growing faster than we can grow food. To back that up, Grow Intelligence
22:04founder Sarah Menke says that by 2027 there could be a 214 trillion calorie global deficit. That is
22:13the equivalent of 379 billion Big Macs. More Big Macs than have ever been sold in the world.
22:21What you're worrying about is the end of food in rich countries, isn't it? Because this has already
22:25happened, of course. This is how the world works. They run out of food, and people starve, and then
22:29there's less people, and then there's enough food. It's sort of grimly self-righting, like those
22:33people that never wash their own hair. This is a nervousness about it possibly affecting us.
22:41I don't want to take myself out of the loop at all, but we've already seen, as you said, globally,
22:47and even in rich countries, after certain events you see a bit of a food crisis where food can't
22:51reach certain areas. This is a supermarket in Texas after Hurricane Harvey, and you can see
22:56very little food left. This is the fresh aisle. This is the fruit and veg. There we go, that's your
23:03bread. And this is the vegetarian aisle. Genuinely completely untouched. Not a scene you usually see
23:12in an apocalypse film. My God, there's no food, we're going to have to eat graham. There's quite
23:16a lot of tofu burgers left, actually. I'll probably still have a bit of graham, to be honest.
23:21I always worry that we're going to run out of food, but on a much smaller level. I don't like
23:25going to people's houses, because I worry there won't be enough food. What if there's not enough
23:28food? God forbid you go to stay the night in someone else's house. I always pack food, I take
23:33food, because you never know. Other people, they might not eat as often, they might not eat as much,
23:38they might think after eight o'clock at night there's no more eating, they might wake up and
23:41think we don't eat first thing. I need to know that I'm going to be able to eat at all times,
23:45so I'm always carrying little sandwiches, biscuits, little snacks. How would you feel
23:50tomorrow if there were no food? Sometimes you think, well, what I could do is get a small
23:55holding somewhere, Scotland, somewhere that you could get to and just plant it full of stuff. You
23:58know, you think about that, don't you? In case a bird flew. But then, in that eventuality, wouldn't
24:03other people spill onto your land and kill you for the stuff that you've grown? So you're going
24:06to need weapons? Yes. What if we run out of meat? You like meat? Meat's one of the first things to
24:11go, it's one of the most intensive industries on the planet. Well, I'll eat something else,
24:14so we're all, like, I'm a bit overweight, so it'd be quite a good diet. I'll just get into a
24:19jack of potatoes. There is a solution to the meat crisis, and one of the solutions is possibly to
24:26begin growing all the world's meat in laboratories. In 2013, one company managed to create the world's
24:33first burger grown entirely in a laboratory, and we sent our very own Rose Matafeo to meet
24:38the team responsible. Meat. We obviously all eat it, but for how much longer? This beef burger
24:52could soon be a thing of the past, as the meat industry struggles to keep up with increasing
24:56global demand. What's more, the environmental impact of meat production is taking its toll,
25:05with animal farming responsible for almost a fifth of all greenhouse gases.
25:11Cows are literally farting humans to the brink of extinction,
25:15turning the entire planet into one big Dutch oven.
25:20So that's why I've come searching for answers here in the Netherlands.
25:27One company looking into alternative fillings for our burger buns is Mosa Meat,
25:32who are building meat using nothing but science, hard work, and bits of cow goo.
25:38I've come to their laboratory to speak to co-founder and CSO of Mosa Meat,
25:42Professor Mark Post, to find out what the future holds for lab-cultivated meat.
25:49Why do you think we need to create synthetic meat? Oh, that's very simple. We cannot really
25:54continue with livestock meat to produce the 70 percent more meat that we need to have in 2050.
26:01We just don't have the land, we don't have the resources to do that.
26:04So you guys have obviously chosen beef to create, but it kind of opens up a whole
26:08world of being able to take stem cells from other animals and create meat from that.
26:13Could we make meat from animals that are going extinct?
26:16You could do a snow leopard. I've always wanted to try a snow leopard before,
26:19but I feel like that would taste disgusting.
26:21Technically, you can make this from any animal that has stem cells in its muscle.
26:27Yes, if you want to eat a giraffe or a leopard or whatever, technically that's possible.
26:32I don't know why you would want to do that, but that's possible.
26:36Now that endangered animal burgers are finally a possibility, I was eager to find out how they
26:41use stem cell research to create the synthetic meaty Frankenstein.
26:46It's two stages. One is you grow a lot of cells.
26:49So for a hamburger, to give you an idea, we probably need a couple of hundred of these
26:54flasks. So that's a lot of plastic. And then you need to start to make tissues out of that.
27:00Okay, so what are we looking at here?
27:01So these are the cells. They are attached to the bottom of the flask.
27:05So for one strand, you need one and a half million cells.
27:08Okay. And how many strands would you use for a beef patty?
27:1110,000.
27:1210,000. Oh my gosh.
27:14Right. We made a very small patty to just show how that works.
27:19So you see here all the individual fibers.
27:21Yeah. It looks like mince, doesn't it?
27:23Yeah. Yeah.
27:24That's amazing. What is the future of this? What are you going to do with this?
27:27This is a test, but obviously we are going to scale up production of this
27:30and in a couple of years, hopefully bring it to the market.
27:34The meaty professor's miniature bovine patty definitely looked the part,
27:38but how does it pass the taste test?
27:40Or is this all just another vegetarian sausages style false dawn?
27:44Have you tried the beef patty that you guys made?
27:46Of course. Of course I've tried it.
27:48Why wouldn't you try it? What was your honest opinion about it?
27:51It's meat. It's not great yet.
27:54So we still, with the versions that we have tried so far, there was no fat tissue.
27:58Very lean meat in a patty is not the greatest thing.
28:02Well, that visit left me feeling slightly optimistic.
28:04I mean, if these scientists can find a way to lower the cost of cultured meat,
28:08then perhaps we could avert a global food crisis.
28:11Now that just leaves, you know, the rise of super bacteria,
28:13the nuclearization of dictator regimes and asteroid collisions to solve.
28:19I'm Rose Bedder-Fair for Ultimate Warrior.
28:27Thank you, Rose. Would you eat that burger?
28:31I think I need something else after.
28:33Not a lot there, was it?
28:35No, it's not a massive...
28:36That current burger, we've got a picture of the motor meat burger as is,
28:41and the current cost of that burger, 250,000 euros.
28:46Do you know, interestingly as well, why they make burgers?
28:50Because they have to grow it in a Petri dish, so that's what shape it comes out.
28:53That's depressing, isn't it?
28:55Really?
28:55They haven't even thought yet to try a test tube to make a sausage.
29:01So how worried should we be about running out of food?
29:04To help answer that, please welcome food futurist, Ed Gillespie!
29:16So tell me quickly what a food futurist is.
29:21Well, a futurist is someone who looks at current trends
29:24and tries to predict what might happen tomorrow.
29:26But obviously prediction is difficult, especially about the future,
29:29so I try and refer to it more as stretching the imagination of the possible
29:33so people can get engaged in the real choices that are in front of us
29:36and hopefully make better ones to beckon into better tomorrow.
29:38Victoria said she didn't worry about food running out.
29:42Would you say generally we should all be worried about food running out?
29:46I think there is a concern.
29:47You're touching on exactly the right questions.
29:49Population growth is likely to outstrip some of the agricultural capacity
29:53if we carry on trying to do the same things that we do now.
29:56Meat is going to be a huge challenge if the rest of the world
29:58wants to adopt the high meat diet that we currently enjoy at the moment,
30:02for all the reasons mentioned in your film.
30:04Meat takes up a third of the land use, it only provides a sixth of the calories,
30:08and it's also responsible for 15% of global carbon emissions,
30:12driving climate change.
30:13So we kill a billion farm animals every year in the UK alone,
30:18so there's sort of carnage on those fronts,
30:20plus we're sort of we're knackering our pollinators.
30:23A lot of the chemicals we're using are removing the bees and the insect life,
30:26and a recent study in Germany showed that insect life has gone down 75%
30:31in the last 25 years, and they pollinate our food crops,
30:33which enable us to eat.
30:35And lastly, we're rinsing our soils.
30:37Intensive agriculture is incredibly damaging with the chemical input
30:41and the fertilisers and the pesticides,
30:43and it takes a thousand years to make three centimetres of topsoil.
30:47So we actually live on a very thin skin of civilisation.
30:51So some people are saying we've only got 100 harvests left
30:53if we carry on the way we are at the moment.
30:55That's the first time I saw, like, a genuine look-off
30:57into the middle distance there, Rob.
30:59Well, I'll be honest, I've got ADHD,
31:01so when someone talks a long time, I do panic that I'm not paying attention.
31:05Yeah, I was a bit worried about the old food situation.
31:08Would it help if I skipped lunch on Wednesdays?
31:10Always.
31:12Does that mean...
31:12Because I always thought if I didn't eat meat,
31:14then I was part of the solution to that.
31:15But if it's about soil erosion, am I as bad as everyone else?
31:18No, because, I mean, the meat is the big problem at the moment.
31:21So actually, being a vegetarian, you know,
31:23you're doing exactly the right thing.
31:24And I think we all should be trying to cut down on the amount of meat we eat.
31:27What are on the list of the sort of danger foods, then?
31:30The danger foods?
31:31Well, a lot of our favourite things.
31:33I mean, chocolate's a big problem,
31:34because most of the West African agriculture is basically modern slavery.
31:39Coffee is suffering from a fungus called coffee leaf rust,
31:43which is now starting to take out coffee plantations around the world.
31:47And actually, the banana, which is actually, you know,
31:49the biggest fruit crop in the world.
31:50100 million tonnes of bananas every year.
31:53But the trouble is, all of the bananas are almost genetically identical,
31:57because bananas don't like having sex with each other.
31:59Tell me about it.
32:00Yeah.
32:02Wasted weeks.
32:03So we essentially have to clone them.
32:04So all of the bananas in the world are almost genetically identical,
32:07which obviously makes them very vulnerable to outbreaks of disease.
32:11And we have a new outbreak of Panama disease,
32:14which could wipe out the global banana.
32:15It's currently the Cavendish variety that we grow everywhere.
32:18And it was this same disease in the 50s,
32:20which killed off the Gros Michel,
32:22which was the previous variety of banana.
32:24Fuck me, you know a lot about bananas.
32:25I don't care! I'm a banana off the edge!
32:32So, if we talked about a lot of the problems, are there any solutions?
32:35I think some of the more creative stuff is around alternative proteins.
32:38I mean, you looked at lab-grown meat.
32:40But there's also insects as an alternative protein,
32:42and half the world already eats insects.
32:44And actually, insects are fantastic,
32:46because they're a really good source of protein.
32:48They're very lean.
32:49You know, all the nutrients are the right balance.
32:50You can see on the screen there,
32:51you've got your kind of domestic mealworm farm.
32:54So you put your mealworms into the top there,
32:57and they gradually eat their way through your food waste.
32:59You can harvest them in the bottom, and they're quite tasty.
33:01The thing is, they grind them into flour.
33:03So often, it's used as a protein supplement.
33:05So you can make chocolate brownies with mealworm flour or cricket flour.
33:08So actually, you don't get the bug itself,
33:10but you're just getting the benefits of the bug's nutrients.
33:13I mean, I think also...
33:13And they're well little, aren't they?
33:14Yeah.
33:15Well, the thing is, insects love being kept
33:17in really dark, unpleasant, and cramped conditions.
33:20So the mealworms there, they're quite happy living in a drawer.
33:23How do you know?
33:24How do you know?
33:25There's probably one guy in there,
33:26I'll go away.
33:28If you send me there, I'll go there.
33:30Thank you very much for helping with my analysis.
33:32Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Gillespie.
33:44With that expert analysis, you've heard all the evidence,
33:46you've seen the solutions.
33:47Let's file the worry into the worry index.
33:50I worry the world will run out of food.
33:52We're talking about potential death here.
33:54Hadron Collider.
33:55Maybe Hadron...
33:55It's got to be near the Hadron Collider, sort of.
33:57Near the Hadron Collider.
33:58I'm not worried the world is going to run out of food.
34:00After all that, you think...
34:01I don't think it's going to happen.
34:03You're going to put it in the middle?
34:05Yeah.
34:05Well...
34:06I don't think it's a mealworm.
34:07I guess this comes down now to whether this show is a democracy or not.
34:11And we're going to put it on the top.
34:14On the Hadron Collider.
34:15Running out of food.
34:20That's it for part three, so why not join us in a bit
34:23when we'll be looking at a brand new worry from the world of food.
34:31Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier, where I've got just enough time to look at
34:44one more worry from the world of food, which is this.
34:48Every time I eat out, I worry I'm touching too many penises.
34:54I'll point out at this stage, I'm not touching them directly anymore.
34:59This is the court case.
35:01This is basically gentlemen in a restaurant who go to a toilet,
35:06urinate, don't wash their hands, leave the toilet,
35:09thus smearing bits of their penis on the door.
35:13I go to the toilet, I wash my hands, thus washing my own penis off my hands,
35:18and then I can't get out without touching his penis.
35:21It's not just his penis, it's everyone.
35:22There's probably 300 penises on that door.
35:25What's wrong with touching a penis?
35:28I just...
35:30What's wrong with touching a penis?
35:32It's only a bit of skin.
35:33I just feel like this is something you'll be shouting across a courtroom one day.
35:45I think perhaps what John's saying is there's nothing wrong with it,
35:47but you want to finish your dinner first.
35:48It's the traditional way.
35:50I think there is an argument to say that a penis is
35:53one of the cleaner parts of a man's body once you've washed it and put it away.
35:56This is what I was going to say, because if we're going to talk about hygiene,
36:00when it comes to eating out in a restaurant,
36:01your worry is not penises, John, it's anuses.
36:04I mean...
36:05Oh, don't do this to me now.
36:09Piss is a mere bagatelle.
36:11It comes out sterile.
36:13There's not a shit in the world that comes out sterile, not even Kate Middleton's.
36:19What it suggests to me is that you're not thinking about hygiene,
36:22you're just thinking about penises.
36:23That's a different thing.
36:25So let's group it together.
36:27Toilet time.
36:28Penises are a-nigh.
36:30The statistics on hand washing are 91% of people said they washed their hands.
36:34When they were analysed, 82% were found to wash their hands.
36:38So already 10% are lying.
36:39The tragedy of the 82% is that's made up of 90% of women and 75% of men.
36:45So one in four men go to the toilet and don't wash their hands when they come out,
36:48which is too many.
36:50And at least some of those are chefs.
36:53Oh!
36:55Statistically, some men are chefs.
36:59You can't argue with the facts, guys.
37:01The solution is practicing getting out of a toilet without touching the handle.
37:05And I have at home what I call my work-through dick door.
37:10And it's a door with a number of different handles that I practice on to get out.
37:14So I believe my Johns will now bring out the door.
37:17Here's John's.
37:19I reckon you could have got away with a smaller example-sized door.
37:23Where's the fun in that?
37:24Thanks, John. Still up for the old John Poconite later?
37:28Nope? Okay, fine.
37:29Please join me at the toilet door.
37:38Your bog-standard toilet door.
37:40We're all oddly in the cubicle today.
37:42Your bog-standard toilet door.
37:44We're all oddly in the cubicle together at this point.
37:47Or we're leaving the toilet.
37:48So there's various handles you can take in.
37:50The dream toilet door is just a push toilet door.
37:53So you can shoulder that or you can foot it if you like.
37:56Just get straight out of the toilet.
37:58These are your sort of basic push handle, door handle,
38:00if you've been to the toilet in a Victorian shed.
38:04This is the sort of train door scenario.
38:06This, again, you'd probably use an elbow there.
38:10Or some people I've seen use a foot to avoid any contact at all,
38:13but I think there's a lot of dirt on the foot,
38:15so I'll just use a knee there.
38:19Then you've got to identify the parts of the hands
38:21that you least mind having dicks on.
38:23So if you are forced into a hand like you are with this,
38:27I'll sort of pinch between those two.
38:29I'm a right-handed, so I'll go with the left.
38:31Pinch and turn, pinch and turn.
38:34This one, most people are going to go straight in and grab that.
38:37So this is your dick hot spot here.
38:41So I will concentrate on the top and bottom.
38:43Obviously, for me, it's this simple method, you know, it's just...
38:46Yes, yes.
38:48I'm always a student.
38:49Yes!
38:54I assume that the reason you wore cardigans
38:56is so that you can slip them down for the loo door handle.
38:59Yeah, the problem is, with this sort of handle here,
39:01you lose purchase with a cardigan
39:03and you're basically just cleaning the dicks off.
39:07The next person in the toilet.
39:11If the locks are broke, will you use that toilet?
39:14Absolutely not.
39:15Because I was desperate and I had to,
39:17and it was one of these, it had one of these on it, right?
39:19So I'm sat in the toilet here.
39:21Right.
39:22And the only way was to take my belt off.
39:24Oh, lovely.
39:25And then what I did, I can't get my microphone,
39:27I put the belt through there.
39:28Looped it out.
39:29And then, but I had to hold it, I buckled it back up again
39:33and then put it in my teeth,
39:35because it was too far away, so I was having a...
39:38I'm having a dirt, and now I'm like a dog with a leash,
39:43and I'm holding my belt there and it's sitting there going...
39:45And then someone tries to take it, I'm like...
39:53And I felt like, I felt that real primal.
39:56It felt, it felt good.
39:58So the worst thing in that situation is,
39:59when you go to test a toilet door,
40:00what you want is a good solid...
40:02Yeah.
40:02The minute you get a bit of give...
40:04Yeah.
40:04You think, oh, it's not that it's locked,
40:06it's just that I'm not pulling it hard enough.
40:07I'm hardly taking your teeth out.
40:09Well, you can try, I can show you what I did.
40:11Go on then, I'll be on the other side.
40:15So basically, I had to loop it through.
40:17It's weird doing this when I know what you're doing in there.
40:19Yeah.
40:19It feels like I'm sort of desperate to see you have it.
40:21And then that went through like that.
40:23So now I'm biting this.
40:29And then...
40:30And then...
40:41Felt good.
40:43I felt like I was a dog.
40:45Felt like I'd been a dog.
40:47But then a dog that was sort of like,
40:48living beyond its means in like,
40:51doing poos in human toilets.
40:53It's getting by.
40:54A dog with aspirations.
40:55An aspirational dog.
40:56The dog from Woof, because TV was better in the 80s.
40:58Yeah.
40:59Let's sit back down,
40:59and the Johns will come and take away the toilet door.
41:04Let's fire away the penis worry,
41:05onto the worry in depths.
41:07I worry I'm eating too many penises.
41:08Yeah, but I don't think it's the touch of the penises.
41:11Touching the dick ain't gonna get you ill.
41:14Obviously, depend on the dick.
41:16Do you know, some people put them in their mouths.
41:19Out of choice.
41:22So you're worried about like,
41:23a slight touch of it,
41:25potentially on a door handle,
41:26and people get home from the restaurant and pop them in.
41:29So...
41:37It can't be that bad.
41:38I'm gonna put it next to USB sticks,
41:40and pretend that that's a neat analogy for penises.
41:43There it goes.
41:44Bottom of the list.
41:45Touching dicks.
41:51So before we go, Robin Victoria,
41:52is there anything you're gonna take away with you this evening,
41:54that I've managed to stress you out about?
41:56If someone thinks it's the opposite,
41:57I came here in a state of high anxiety like I always am,
42:00and I'm actually going away thinking the world isn't gonna run out of food,
42:03and it doesn't matter if you get a bit of wee on your hands during a night out.
42:06Yeah.
42:06Lovely.
42:08I'm gonna take away that half a sandwich I didn't finish.
42:23So that's it for this week on Ultimate Warrior.
42:25Thanks to my guests, Victoria Coren Mitchell and Rob Beckett!
42:30Well, I for one have learned this,
42:31that the golden era of food is behind us,
42:33meat production is strangling the planet one whopper at a time,
42:36and food shortages will soon mean the only thing available in restaurants
42:39will be the remnants of other people's dicks.
42:41But then again, I tend to stay at home and eat tofu,
42:43so that's your problem.
42:44Goodnight!