Ask Rhod Gilbert. S02 E07.

  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 2nd November 2011.

Rhod Gilbert

Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley

Andi Osho
Germaine Greer
Larry Lamb
Tim Westwood

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on Our Squad Gilbert, our special guests are, he's the silver fox in sheep's
00:29clothing, it's Larry Lamb! And award-winning stand-up, Andy Osho! They're here every week.
00:41It's Greg Davis! And Lloyd Langford! Ladies and gentlemen, Our Squad Gilbert!
00:59Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us all awake at night.
01:05Questions like, what's the point of a four seasons pizza? Who wants to eat a meal where you're 100% sure that three quarters of the ingredients are out of season?
01:14Anyway, since when was ham a season? And another thing, why are food and drinks manufacturers so determined to wind me up?
01:21I went to a supermarket this week and I've got a few questions for you.
01:24Firstly, why are you banging on about how your cider contains 17 varieties of apple? I couldn't give a stuff!
01:30Do you think if you'd put 16 in there I'd have tasted it and thought, somebody's cut a few corners!
01:35Why do you call some lasagna, taste the difference lasagna? If you mean it tastes different to your ordinary lasagna,
01:41then that means that that tastes different to the taste the difference lasagna, so surely they should both be called taste the difference lasagnas?
01:47And let's face it, I'm never going to taste the difference in this taste the difference lasagna unless I eat both your lasagnas
01:52and then subtract the taste of the ordinary lasagna from the taste of the taste the difference lasagna.
01:56And anyway, I don't want my lasagna to taste different, I want it to taste like lasagna, so just call them both taste the lasagna and move on!
02:06In a world full of uncertainty we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions.
02:11So as always we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
02:17She's one of those very rare creatures, an Australian intellectual.
02:22Oh bonza!
02:27She's considered one of the world's foremost feminists.
02:38She wrote an international best-selling book called The Female Eunuch.
02:47Yes, tonight's authenticator is writer, academic journalist and all-round smarty-pants, Germaine Greer!
03:02Hello Germaine, thank you for coming on the show.
03:05It's really cool to be here.
03:07Yeah, I'm quite right you're saying cool there.
03:09Second childhood.
03:11It was a glance over to me to say, are kids still saying that?
03:15I've got a level with you, I've got no idea.
03:18Lloyd, are kids still saying cool? You're the youngest.
03:21No, they say sick now.
03:23Sick?
03:24Wicked. So you don't say wicked anymore?
03:26No.
03:27Well I don't Germaine, because I'm 28.
03:32How will you be helping us tonight?
03:33I'm here to provide you and the panel with all the information you need to answer tonight's questions. Cool?
03:40Wonderful.
03:41When I think we have an answer, I will do this.
03:45Have you, what have you learnt recently, Andy?
03:50I learnt recently that, you know when you use a mobile phone, that you don't get a little bit of your voice in the speaker?
03:58And that's why people shout.
04:00Like okay, when you're on a landline phone, you get a little bit of your own voice in the speaker,
04:04so when you're talking, you're hearing a little bit of yourself as well as the other person.
04:08But when you're on a mobile, you don't hear yourself.
04:10Are you saying that when you're on a phone, a mobile phone, you...
04:15You've got no idea what you're saying.
04:16Landline phone, you don't go, hello, I'm on my landline, can you hear me now?
04:20Can you hear me now? You don't get that.
04:22No, but there's not a train going past either in their lounge, is there?
04:25Honestly, I'm not arguing about this, because this is a true fact, rather than a made up one.
04:29Are you working for a landline company?
04:33Hey Larry, I've got a question for you.
04:34Tell me.
04:35I heard...
04:36I heard...
04:37I heard...
04:38I heard...
04:39As I said that, it came out wrong.
04:41It's amazing I could hear it, because I haven't got a landline.
04:49I heard this week...
04:52That you were in the film Superman 3.
04:55Is that correct?
04:57Oh my God.
04:58I was in all three Superman films.
05:01Yep, it was only me and Christopher Reeve that were in all three.
05:03Who were you in it?
05:04Not a...
05:05Not very important people in the first two.
05:08And then I played a coal miner in the third one.
05:11Alright, I just really want to watch all three Superman films.
05:14That'll improve your life.
05:18Do you know how right you are, Larry?
05:20So, let's find out who wants to know what tonight.
05:23Who have we got?
05:25Oh.
05:28Rod.
05:29When everyone's talking about Wayne Rooney's new hair transplant,
05:32why don't people spare a thought for the victim?
05:39Oh, look, hang on a minute.
05:40His friend in the show...
05:43He is King Myung Il every week.
05:44We have at least one question from King Myung Il.
05:47He just keeps sending pictures of himself with a question.
05:50And this week, what's he asking this week?
05:52Hi, Rod.
05:53Have you ever stood too far away from a lift?
06:02Let's see what these horses want to know, shall we?
06:08Rod, do you think it was a mistake to cast Brian Blessed as the 400th?
06:20This is our first question.
06:21Who wants to know what?
06:22It is DJ Westwood.
06:25What does he want to know?
06:27Yo, Rod.
06:28It's Westwood.
06:29Now, as a DJ, I still love to play the vinyl records on the wheels of steel.
06:34But without the paper,
06:37the vinyl gets destroyed.
06:39So here's a question for you, Rod.
06:41What was the most important invention?
06:44Was it paper,
06:46or was it the wheel?
06:51Yeah, boy!
06:53Was it paper, or was it the wheel?
06:55Can you see what you can find out,
06:56and I will ask our lovely panel to see what they think.
06:59We could get rid of paper now, though, couldn't we?
07:01No, I don't think we could get rid of paper.
07:03We've got computers and emails.
07:04You could get rid of wheels.
07:06You could just have triangular ones.
07:07Triangular wheels.
07:09Oh, it's still a wheel, isn't it?
07:11Even if it's not completely spherical, it's still a wheel.
07:13Oh, in that case, if anything that is a shape is a wheel...
07:15Anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel.
07:17That's not fair.
07:18Anything that's used as paper...
07:19Anything that's used as paper is paper, then?
07:22Yeah.
07:23Right, so my hand is now paper.
07:25I'm now called...
07:26I'm paper hands.
07:27I'm Edward Paperhands.
07:28It's probably the same as...
07:30That's rubbish to go,
07:31anything that's used as a wheel is a wheel.
07:33No, it's not.
07:34A wheel is a wheel.
07:35So, your purposes just define a wheel.
07:37In that case...
07:38Look, look, I'm getting my pen over to Andy using my wheel.
07:41I can see your hands.
07:42What you're saying is, in that case,
07:44we can get rid of wheels and just have crows as wheels.
07:47Is that what you're saying?
07:48I can't do a Christmas card on my hand, can I?
07:51I can't say, oh, I've got to do my Christmas cards.
07:53Happy Christmas, everyone.
07:56What do you think, Larry?
07:57Paper or the wheel?
07:59It's got to be the wheel.
08:00Why?
08:01Everything that runs, everything that moves,
08:03everything that operates the world that we live in
08:06basically uses the wheel.
08:08Everything.
08:09Whatever.
08:10You can't print paper without the wheel nowadays.
08:12No question.
08:13Look at that.
08:14Takes a confident sip of water.
08:16That's the case for the prosecution.
08:17I rest.
08:18That's it.
08:19I think paper's more important.
08:20You can have a BD instead of toilet paper.
08:22You can.
08:23In ancient times, they used to use their hands.
08:26Everyone still uses their hands.
08:27They just have toilet paper on as well.
08:34In Japan, they don't, actually.
08:37I went to Tokyo and they have an incredibly accurate bidet toilet there.
08:41Incredibly accurate.
08:43Is it fun?
08:44Well, let's just say it was almost life-changing.
08:47Really?
08:49You press a button and I can only presume there's a tiny sniper in there
08:54who just gets it, boom, right in the hot spot.
08:58Really?
09:01Can you imagine a world without toilet paper, Germaine?
09:03I disapprove of toilet paper
09:05because it's covered half the world in Monterey Pine.
09:08But you can't wipe your bottom on a wheel.
09:10That's certainly true.
09:12You can wipe your bottom on anything.
09:13You can wipe your bottom on a Rubik's Cube if you wanted to.
09:17The paper or the wheel.
09:20What would Chamberlain have come back and said?
09:22I haven't my hand.
09:23Oh, actually, nothing.
09:24Sorry.
09:26He wouldn't have come back and gone,
09:27I haven't my hand.
09:28Oh, nothing.
09:29Sorry.
09:30He would have said,
09:31I've been having a chat with Hitler, wouldn't I?
09:33Yeah, but nobody would remember that as a great speech.
09:35It's a great speech because he goes,
09:36I have in my hand a piece of paper.
09:38Because he did have paper.
09:39If he'd said, I haven't my hand a piece of slate,
09:44I'd have gone, so what?
09:46Go do somebody's roof.
09:47What?
09:51Have you got any facts for us about wheels or papers or inventions or anything?
09:55The wheel has certainly been around longer than paper.
09:59Pictures of vehicles with wheels appear on pottery that's over 5,000 years old,
10:05whereas paper only goes back about 2,000 years.
10:09I don't get that.
10:10If there was wheels on pots,
10:12pictures of wheels on vehicles on pots,
10:14does that mean at some point that potters had potter's wheels going
10:18before they'd thought about these things?
10:21They used to make pots with just that.
10:24Coiled pots.
10:25No, you'd have to have a wheel to make a round pot.
10:28No, you don't.
10:29Otherwise that's a wall.
10:30No, you roll the clay like a snake and then you wind it round.
10:34You wind it like that.
10:35Coiled pots.
10:36That's how they made the original pots.
10:38We used to do it in primary school.
10:39That's it.
10:40How do you know so much about pots?
10:41Because he went to school in England.
10:45In Wales, your homework projects were,
10:46go and chase that pig with it.
10:50Chase that pig to catch him and smack his head in with a hammer.
10:55How do you know I got a beating pig chasing?
10:59Well, I've got the results of a survey here.
11:02Tesco Mobile asked 4,000 people
11:06what they thought the best inventions of all time were.
11:10Now, ignoring paper and the wheel,
11:13I've got the top three here.
11:15I want our panel to see if they can guess
11:17the top three inventions of all time.
11:19What do you reckon?
11:20Greg, number three.
11:21Milkshake.
11:22Sorry?
11:24Milkshake, is it there?
11:26Larry.
11:27Well, I sort of think that probably the steam engine,
11:29the telephone and electricity.
11:32Andy.
11:34I'm going to say the internet.
11:36Is it there?
11:41Dishwasher should be there, shouldn't it?
11:45I love my dishwasher.
11:46It's like a husband, only better,
11:48because it does what you tell it,
11:49when you tell it, and the rest of the time it shuts up.
11:54You surprised me there, Jane.
11:55I would have thought you'd have hated your dishwasher.
11:57Oh, I love it.
11:58Being a feminist is taking one of your jobs away.
12:05One last one.
12:06Come on.
12:07The contraceptive pill.
12:08Argh!
12:09It's number ten, and only a man would possibly say that.
12:14Jeepers.
12:16You might as well say chlamydia.
12:19Chlamydia, is it there?
12:23What are they, then, if we don't give up?
12:25Well, number two.
12:27It is the light bulb.
12:29Yeah.
12:30What's the first one?
12:32Aeroplane.
12:33Get off.
12:34Get away.
12:35It wasn't me, it was them.
12:36That's more important than the invention of the plate.
12:39Why is the aeroplane hanging out at the top?
12:41Imagine doing a long-haul flight,
12:43and the stewardess coming by,
12:44would you like a beer, sir?
12:50Are we any closer to an answer, Germaine?
12:51Well, I've got someone on the phone
12:53who should be able to give us an answer,
12:55and that's Dr Colin Brown
12:57from the Institution of Mechanical Engineers.
13:02Say hello, Rod.
13:03Hello.
13:04Hello, this is Rod, how are you?
13:05I'm very well, Rod.
13:06Looking forward to your questions.
13:07Well, we've...
13:08Have you been listening to the conversation?
13:10I have, and I've heard some interesting stuff
13:12and some silly stuff.
13:13Have you?
13:14The wheel is in everything.
13:15It makes electricity, it pumps water, it pumps gas.
13:18You're not going to be able to get home tonight without a wheel.
13:21Well, I could just walk home.
13:23You could, but you're probably going to use streetlights
13:25to illuminate the way that you go.
13:27Nope.
13:29It seems like we're counting anything round as a wheel,
13:33because there's some things that are round that rotate,
13:36but they're not wheels.
13:37It's anything that's got an axle.
13:39It's not a roller, it's not like a tree trunk
13:41or something like that.
13:42It's something that's got an axle,
13:43and all the things that we've talked about
13:45have a sort of an axle that you can control.
13:47So can you sum it up for us, Dr Brown?
13:49The wheel is the more important?
13:51It is by far the more important and will never be substituted.
13:54Oh, a bold claim, but I will take that as an answer.
13:57Thank you.
14:05So, Westwood, you wanted to know
14:07whether paper or the wheel was more important,
14:09and the answer is that wheel beats paper.
14:11I met a man once who said he was a paper millionaire,
14:14which didn't mean much to me.
14:15I then met a man who said he was a wheel millionaire.
14:17It was Jonathan Ross.
14:24And I am awarding that round to Greg.
14:31Let's see who else has a question for us.
14:34Lord Sugar, are you a fan of The Apprentice, do you think?
14:37No.
14:41I find it brutal.
14:43Do you?
14:44It's pretty cool, right?
14:48I hate it.
14:49Don't you think it's made business quite sexy, though?
14:51Quite a boring thing, quite sexy.
14:53Yeah, just look at him.
14:59Ah, Bjork.
15:00Hey, Rod, what's your favourite quality street?
15:07It's the Toffee Penny, since you ask.
15:09Let's have a question from Boris Johnson.
15:11Do you know, can I tell you something about Boris Johnson?
15:14You can tell me whatever you like about Boris Johnson.
15:16Well, it's about his dad,
15:17cos apparently him and his dad look really similar,
15:19and his dad, like, rides a bike as well,
15:21and his dad was out on his bike one day, just riding along,
15:24and some geezer just shouted out,
15:25and, like, Johnson, you wanker,
15:27and he went, I think you mean my son.
15:32His name's Stanley Johnson,
15:34and he tells a story that he was in a car I was driving
15:38in Bucharest,
15:40but he tells this story that I was banging on about something
15:43and he was so overcome with the tedium of it all
15:47that he opened the door and just allowed himself to fall out
15:52at a stoplight,
15:54and I drove on without him.
15:56Wait, what's a stoplight?
15:58I thought you told a story so dull
15:59somebody'd thrown themselves from a moving vehicle.
16:02You just carried on talking and driving, did you?
16:04Yes, well, I wasn't going to go back for bloody Stanley Johnson, was I?
16:11Oh, look, pandas.
16:13Hi, Rod, what's all the fuss about? There's loads of us.
16:21It's our next round, The World Asks.
16:24Let's see who wants to know what.
16:27Ah, it's a rodeo cowboy. What does he want to know?
16:30Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Gilbert.
16:32Here at the rodeo, sometimes the animals seem to be more in control of us
16:35than we are of them.
16:36What I want to know, if all humans were to become extinct,
16:39which animal do you think would take over the world?
16:44I thought he was going to ask what happens
16:46when you cross a hat with a paper aeroplane.
16:50What is that? What is wrong with his hat?
16:58If humans became extinct, what animal would take over?
17:01Can you see what you can find out, Jermaine, and I will talk to our panel?
17:04Who's going to take over, then, if humans become extinct?
17:06I think the insects.
17:09They have the numbers, they just haven't got the organisation at the moment.
17:12Birds eat insects.
17:14Nothing can beat monkeys, though. Monkeys are going to take over, aren't they?
17:17Birds can beat monkeys.
17:19No, birds don't beat monkeys in Papers As A Stone animal world.
17:22Yes, they do. Bird eats insect, and birds would irritate monkeys.
17:27Yeah, and then monkey throws bird against wall.
17:32Just before bird hits wall, bird realises it can fly and just flies up.
17:35Monkey's thrown bird against wall two feet away,
17:37so bird hasn't got time to unfurl its wings before it hits wall.
17:41Bird doesn't need to unfurl wings, bird is bird.
17:45Have you ever seen a bird get up in the morning and think,
17:47oh, I'll just unfurl these.
17:50I think it's going to be the dogs.
17:53I think it's dogs, because we've given them the training.
17:56I think the dogs would, because you don't get sniffer monkeys, do you?
18:00Or sort of guide cats.
18:02The dogs.
18:03How would you answer that, Greg? You don't get sniffer monkeys.
18:05I answer that by saying that my monkeys will be riding on the dogs.
18:08Dogs will become the new horses.
18:11I don't think anything would take over,
18:13I think it would all balance itself out again.
18:15The animals would all get on with each other,
18:17some would eat each other and do whatever they do with each other in any way,
18:20and in fact, if you really boil it down,
18:22it looks like we're the ones that have come in there and screwed it all up.
18:25Yeah.
18:26APPLAUSE
18:30I've got a theory that of all the animals in the world,
18:33I think they probably can't understand each other from different countries.
18:36Like, if you took a cow from Devon and a cow in India,
18:39they're not going to understand each other necessarily.
18:42Oh, oh, oh.
18:43No, bear with me. I'm listening.
18:45The one animal that can understand each other all over the world,
18:48because it's all linked, is in the sea, is whales.
18:52Because they've got sonar,
18:54I think they'd find it easier to communicate and to coordinate.
18:57I've got sonar.
18:58No.
18:59He's got sonar.
19:00I told Lloyd this the other day.
19:02He laughed at me, I proved it.
19:04Good guess.
19:05All right.
19:06Can I just point out, Greg doesn't have sonar.
19:08He doesn't have sonar.
19:10Get me a paper, test me.
19:11Andy, can you put your hand over Greg's eyes to make sure he's not cheating?
19:14All right.
19:18Come on.
19:20Is he in front of me, though?
19:22Yes, he is, yeah.
19:23Off you go, off you go.
19:25WHOOP!
19:27WHOOP!
19:30WHOOP!
19:3412, 13 foot.
19:35Oh, very good.
19:40That is ridiculous.
19:42That is ridiculous.
19:43They don't like it, do you?
19:44Huh?
19:45They don't like my sonar power.
19:47I was perfectly happy with you looking like a whale,
19:49I just don't like you having sonar.
19:52Let's have a fact, Germaine.
19:54Any more information on what species may take over?
19:57Well, some animals are crafty enough to get one up on us already.
20:03Here's a clip.
20:04I've got the rat patrol on the patrol
20:07Foes that want to make sure my cast is closed
20:10Rat critics say he's money cash
20:12But from the hood, stupid, what type of facts are those?
20:15If you grew up with hoes, then you're zapped
20:18LAUGHTER
20:24I went into a little sort of seafood stand at Folkestone
20:27down on the harbour and bought some cockles
20:30and walked away from the stand with the cockles
20:32eating the cockles and a seagull swooped straight down
20:35and grabbed the whole bag of cockles
20:37and I turned around to the woman in the cockle stand
20:39and she just pointed to this sign which says
20:43We are not responsible if seagulls pinch your seafood
20:49I've got a little experiment here
20:51As a way of possibly deciding which species might take over from us
20:56If you look under your desk, each of you will have some hands down there
20:59from different species of animals
21:01and I want you to try and see if you can feed yourselves
21:03Yeah, I'd love to know what animal this is supposed to be
21:08A dolphin
21:09What have you got there, Lloyd?
21:12Hooves
21:17Lloyd has got hooves, Larry's got claws
21:20I've got... I'm webbed
21:22Well, we've got to eat as much as we can, haven't we?
21:24You've got to eat as much as you can
21:25On your marks, get set, go!
21:32It's a confident start from Larry with his claws
21:34Oh, he burns away with the tangerine
21:37Good effort
21:48Look at Larry lampeeling his tangerine
21:50like there's no tomorrow
21:51He's in, he's in
21:55Maybe you could collaborate with Larry on that
22:07Larry's doing remarkably well with the claws
22:10Listen, I'm going to go for...
22:12Despite the effort that Greg is making with that yoghurt
22:14I'm going to announce Larry as the winner
22:15because he's almost finished
22:16Larry is our winner, ladies and gentlemen
22:27While you put those things away
22:29are we any closer to finding an answer to that?
22:32Professor Dean Falk of Florida State University
22:36says it's the chimpanzee who'll take over
22:39Their brains come closest to those of humans
22:42in terms of organisation
22:44They've been known to manufacture tools
22:46and are quite a territorial and dominant species
22:49Therefore, it's possible that they could evolve into, by far
22:54the most intelligent species left on earth
22:57So Greg was right
22:58I'll take that as an answer
23:02Thank you
23:06So, Rodeo Cowboy
23:07you asked which animal would take over the world
23:09if we became extinct
23:10and the answer is chimps
23:12I'm going to award that round to Larry
23:14for his superb use of claws
23:22Next, it's time for my quickfire round
23:24The Audience Asks
23:25I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can
23:27before we hear this noise
23:32You don't get the answer button
23:33There's no time for that
23:34We're just going to use this bell
23:37So, who's up first?
23:38No time
23:39Crack on
23:40It is Christia
23:41Hi Rod
23:42Hi
23:43What's the point of culottes?
23:45I think it's for the lady who enjoys wearing a skirt
23:48but's worried that she'll...
23:50But she likes something between her legs
23:51Yeah
23:54I'll do it
23:55I've no idea what the point of culottes is
23:59David Livingston
24:00Hello David
24:01Hiya
24:02Why can't you feel pain on the skin of your elbow?
24:12It's worth knowing though
24:13like in a fight situation
24:14if someone's attacking you
24:15to just hold up your elbows
24:18Technically, though
24:19I'm invincible
24:22Does anybody know what it is?
24:23I don't know what it is
24:25There's no nerve endings there
24:26There's no nerve endings there, David
24:31Laura McKibbin
24:33Where are you, Laura?
24:34What's your question?
24:35What if we were nocturnal?
24:37What if we were nocturnal?
24:38That's it, is it?
24:39That's your question
24:41I think that's a sexy question
24:42I like that question
24:43Why is it a sexy question?
24:45Because we'd have different eyes
24:48We'd have different perceptions
24:50Oh, that is sexy
24:52We'd have big luminous eyes like...
24:55Oh, I'm getting really turned on
24:58They're gorgeous
25:00Honestly
25:01They're wonderful
25:02If I see an owl
25:03I'm on it like a puma
25:07What if we were nocturnal creatures
25:08and take over during the day then?
25:09We'd have foxes driving cars
25:12and badgers working at Debenhams
25:18Brady McBeast, are you?
25:19Hi, Rod
25:20What I want to know is
25:21if your face was on the back of your head
25:23Oh, God
25:24what was it called?
25:26And your legs are still going to walk that way
25:28So you'd probably have to say
25:29that was forward
25:31Maybe we'd start to sort of
25:32walk on four legs or something
25:34And if we wanted to see where we're going
25:35we'd sort of do that
25:38Then our heads would be upside down
25:41Oh, yeah, you would be upside down
25:42Your head would be upside down
25:43Yeah, but your eyes could be there
25:44That's your mouth
25:47Bloody idiots
25:49Sarah Jane Morgan
25:50Where are you, Sarah Jane Morgan?
25:51Hello, what's your question?
25:52Hi, Rod
25:53Why are spiders getting bigger?
25:55Actually, what you're probably seeing
25:57is spiders from Europe
25:59are moving in and moving up
26:01and moving northwards
26:02That was David Bowie's
26:03disappointing follow-up album
26:06Spiders from Europe
26:08I got bitten by a black widow once
26:12It was my fault for disrupting the funeral
26:16Greg, are they getting bigger, spiders?
26:17Yes, they are
26:18They're getting much bigger
26:19Right, that'll do
26:21Adrian Hart
26:22Is that right?
26:23Adrian Hart
26:24Hello, Adrian, what's your question?
26:25Hi, Rod
26:27Your feet are always relative to your height
26:29unless you're a clone
26:33What's the question, mate?
26:34Are you asking if I, as a six-foot-eight man
26:36have baby's feet
26:37whether that would be abnormal?
26:39My sister was at the podiatrist
26:41and she said
26:42Do you know your problem?
26:43Your feet are too small for your height
26:45What problem was your sister having?
26:47Your sister isn't a deer, is she?
26:51Why would a podiatrist say
26:52Do you know your problem?
26:53Your feet are too small
26:55What problem has she gone there with?
26:56I think we should change the name of this show
26:58from Ask Rod Gilbert
26:59to Rod Gilbert Aggressively Interrogates the Audience
27:07Oh, that is out of time
27:09That's about all we have time for this week
27:11but then it's time for one more question
27:13and it is our special guest asks round
27:15So, Larry, do you have a question for us?
27:17Yeah, in terms of our lifespan
27:21when are we happiest?
27:23Jermaine, can you see what you can find out?
27:25What age are we happiest?
27:27Yeah, what age is it?
27:30I think when you're a baby
27:32they seem quite content, don't they?
27:34It's really easy to make them smile
27:36You just show them a bit of paper or something
27:38or a wheel
27:41Brilliant
27:42I agree with Andy, actually
27:43because I think when you're a baby
27:45or maybe when you're a toddler
27:47you're experiencing the world for the first time
27:50so you get really excited by things
27:53I can remember when I was a toddler
27:55getting constantly excited by seeing a dog
27:58and I very rarely get excited by seeing dogs, no
28:02Now then
28:04we do have some evidence to support this case
28:08about babies
28:09Take a look at this
28:23Oh
28:24Oh
28:28Oh
28:35Infectious
28:37It's infectious
28:40It is infectious
28:41but is that happiness?
28:43Is it happiness, or is it...
28:45Yeah, off the top of my head
28:47it looks pretty happy, mate
28:48Do you know what I mean?
28:49Is it consciously happy
28:51Just being entertained in an instinctive way.
28:54Maybe that's the brilliance of that, is that he's not conscious to his happiness, he just is.
28:58Absolutely.
28:59He is happiness.
29:00Just one thing about that, that babies too can learn what reaction you expect from them,
29:07and they can produce it.
29:08Oh, you're saying that baby knows what he's doing.
29:10I'm saying that the child has learned that the thing you do in this situation is you laugh,
29:15and everybody else laughs too.
29:17It's not as if it's funny tearing up paper.
29:19Doesn't it depend what's being torn up there now?
29:21I mean, maybe there's...
29:29It was actually the daily mail.
29:32You laughed at that, Germaine.
29:34I'm an infant.
29:35I thought the conventional wisdom was that you're happier when you're older.
29:39What do you think, Larry?
29:40Can I ask how old you are now, or what?
29:42I'm 64.
29:43This is the best time of my life.
29:45Is it?
29:46Yeah.
29:47Germaine, what do you think personally?
29:49When are we happiest, do you think?
29:51A lot of stress when you're a kid.
29:52I was very bored when I was a child.
29:54I was bored shitless.
29:56Were you?
29:57Well, nothing was happening.
29:59I couldn't go anywhere.
30:00I couldn't do anything.
30:01Why not?
30:02I went to school.
30:03I went home.
30:04I did housework.
30:05I read.
30:06You're thinking of Cinderella.
30:08You're never happier than being on a beach, digging a hole,
30:16seeing if you can dig to Australia.
30:18That's the contentment.
30:20You're just so easily pleased.
30:21Yeah, but there was no fun in that for Germaine.
30:27There were simple pleasures when you were a kid, like peeling skin and stuff.
30:29That was it.
30:30Where's that gone?
30:31What happened to that?
30:32What happened to peeling?
30:33I can remember, you know, you used to sit on the beach
30:35and you used to peel old strips of A3 off your dad's butt.
30:39Literally peel off a thing that was recognizably my dad and stand it next to him.
30:44It's true.
30:45It's true.
30:46It's true.
30:47Nobody knew.
30:48No, you couldn't.
30:49You couldn't.
30:50You became an entire replica dad.
30:52They had just skimmed one.
30:53Like a lizard.
30:54Like a lizard.
30:55Like an entire replica.
30:56So basically, you guys think it's babies, that you're happiest when you're a baby.
31:01Larry thinks it's the older age group.
31:04But I think I can find a scientific way of sorting this out.
31:08So how about we go to the lab?
31:14Welcome to the lab where tonight Professor Langford and I will be trying to work out
31:19at what age we are happiest.
31:21Will it be when we are in our old age, represented by Larry Lamb,
31:24or will it be when we are a baby, as represented by Baby Greg?
31:30To help us feed you, Greg, tonight,
31:32would you please welcome Andy Osho with her inexhaustible milk supply.
31:39Are you happy there, Larry?
31:40Happy as Larry.
31:41Happy as Larry.
31:42Good work.
31:44Let's feed Baby Greg.
31:46So we have some pork and apple baby food.
31:56Is it real baby food?
31:57Yes, it is real baby food.
31:58He's got a little bit dirty, so it's bath time.
32:00Lloyd, get the bath out.
32:01Mate.
32:02That's it, get some shampoo on that head.
32:05That's it, get a good old wash.
32:07He's complaining again.
32:08He must be hungry.
32:09I think he must be hungry.
32:10He must be hungry.
32:11Next thing is to dry him off, Lloyd.
32:12Let's get some talc on him.
32:13Talc him up properly.
32:14That's the way.
32:16That's it.
32:17How's Larry doing?
32:18Larry alright?
32:19Happy as Larry.
32:20Happy as Larry.
32:21Next, we've decided to take him to Playgroup,
32:23where the other babies draw all over the swampy-toothed newcomer.
32:32Next up, Lloyd, the babysitter, decides to take Greg to the zoo.
32:36No sooner have they arrived than a gorilla escapes from its cage
32:40and tries to force-feed Greg a banana.
32:43Oh no, it looks like Greg is choking on the banana.
32:46I'm not choking on the banana.
32:47Yes, you are, Greg.
32:50Luckily, the gorilla has learned some basic first aid
32:56and gives Greg the Heimlich Maneuver.
33:02Somebody, can we have an answer, please?
33:04Quick, give us an answer.
33:05According to the findings of a recent US study
33:08undertaken between three different universities,
33:10we are happiest around the age of 70.
33:1470 is our answer.
33:16Press the button.
33:18That is our answer.
33:21Well, that's pretty much it for tonight.
33:23So, people of Britain, if you've got a question,
33:25you can tweet hashtag AshBroad on Twitter.
33:28But for tonight, it is thanks to Larry Lamb,
33:31Andy Osso, Greg Davis and Lloyd Langford,
33:34and, of course, our authenticator, Jermaine Reard.
33:38I'm your host, Jermaine Reard, and that's been literally anything.
33:41Good night.
33:53How's the remake of Straw Dogs going down at the cinema?
33:56Claudia's here with Film 2011.
33:58Next.
33:59Or over on BBC Three,
34:00you're in time for a double-edged sword.
34:03Or over on BBC Three,
34:04you're in time for a double bill of Family Guy.