Ask Rhod Gilbert. S01 E03.

  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 11th October 2010.


Cast
Rhod Gilbert

Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley

Carol Vorderman
Micky Flanagan
Suzi Perry
Jake Humphrey
David Coulthard

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on Ask Rod Gilbert, our special guests are, she knows her stuff, it's Gadget Girl,
00:27Susie Perry, and five-star stand-up Vicky Flanagan, actor and comedian Greg Davies,
00:35and Rod's flatmate Lloyd. Ladies and gentlemen, let's ask Rod Gilbert.
00:43Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers
00:48to the questions that keep us all awake at night. Some questions can't be answered easily,
00:53like, do paper toilet seat covers offer any real protection? Well, it depends what kind
00:58of protection you're talking about. It might stop you getting a bit of wee on your bottom,
01:01but if you whip one out during a drive-by shooting, it probably wouldn't change the outcome.
01:06And some questions go to the heart of who we are as human beings, questions of paramount
01:11national importance, such as, when I'm buying a train ticket, why does the ticket machine
01:16say popular destinations include? Popular destinations? Wind your neck in, you're a
01:21ticket machine, not Judith Chalmers. And I wouldn't mind if the popular destinations
01:25were Bali or Ibiza, but who's going to rock up at half-eight in the morning and think,
01:29well, I work in Didcot Parkway, but it looks like it's all happening in Crewe this week.
01:34And what do you know about travelling anyway? Apart from a few bits of you that were made
01:37in China, you've never even left this station. You've sat here, immobile, facing straight
01:42forward, staring lifelessly ahead of you for the last few years, contributing nothing
01:46to earning a fortune. You are the Danny Minogue of the vending world.
01:56In a world full of rumour, gossip and tittle-tattle, we need someone with credibility to help us
02:00find the answers to our questions. So, as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's
02:05authenticator?
02:08She'll need every ounce of the knowledge gained at university. She's got one of the biggest
02:13queues I've ever seen. She's got a website dedicated to her bottom. Her name rhymes with
02:18barrel. If there's anything to be added up, she'd be all over it, like a saucy human abacus.
02:23Who is tonight's authenticator? What a conundrum. Is it crack den man love? Is it old vole man
02:28car? Is it male voice choir? No, it's Carol Vorderman.
02:43Lovely twanging, actually.
02:48It's lovely to be here.
02:49Oh, it's a pleasure to have you. How are you going to help us tonight, Carol?
02:52Well, Rod, I've got things to show us, things to tell us. I am your fact queen tonight.
02:59OK, you'll be getting the information, you'll be giving it to us.
03:01I will.
03:02And when I think we've finally found an answer to the question, I will do this.
03:10Hi, Susie.
03:11Hi, Rod.
03:12Thank you for coming to the show.
03:13That's my pleasure.
03:14Have you learnt anything this week?
03:16I've learnt that the UN have appointed an astrophysicist to head up their office for
03:22outer space, which means that he's going to go and speak to the aliens.
03:26Don't you think that would be so boring? I wouldn't rather speak to somebody that was
03:29hyper-intelligent, you know, bordering genius, maybe good-looking, comedy wit, comedy genius.
03:35Lloyd!
03:36Lloyd? If I was an alien and I arrived and met Lloyd...
03:42I'd look in the mirror and go, I don't look that bad after all.
03:52Hang on a minute, if we're talking about physical malformities, then...
03:57What?
03:58Look at you.
04:03I think you'll find, Lloyd, that I'm pretty much the eye candy on this panel.
04:07Yeah, one woman agrees.
04:09You wouldn't be the eye candy on that panel if an alien arrived and turned the other three
04:12inside out with a laser.
04:16So, let's find out who wants to know what.
04:19Who have we got tonight?
04:21Ah, it's the English Commonwealth Hockey Team.
04:26They say, hi, Rod, do you think we were right to drink the water at the athletes' village?
04:31APPLAUSE
04:36It's hard to say, isn't it?
04:38It's hard to say. We'll know with time, I imagine.
04:42Ah, Sir Sean Connery.
04:46I was wondering what that groan was.
04:49Was that a good groan, was it?
04:50That was a very good groan, that was, yeah.
04:52Just excuse me for a minute.
04:55Hang on a minute.
04:58You may be the eye candy, but I'm sorry you've been overtaken.
05:01Yeah, by a man who's 170.
05:05That's my kind of age.
05:06What, you like it just because it's a challenge to add up?
05:15Let's have a look at who else we've got, shall we?
05:17Oh, Nick Knowles.
05:23Susie, you used to go out with Nick, didn't you?
05:24Yes, I did.
05:25Sorry, it's questions for me, you'll be fine.
05:28All right, Rodders, there's something I've been wondering about for a long time.
05:32Can you help me out?
05:33I want to know which is the most dangerous room in the house?
05:38The most dangerous room in the house.
05:40Mickey, what do you think it is?
05:41I think it's the kitchen.
05:42Do you?
05:43Yeah, because that's where you have the conversations.
05:47And you need to talk.
05:49Because if someone calls you in there for a chat, it's serious.
05:53What's the most dangerous room in your house, Carol?
05:55My bathroom.
05:57Because I've got a step in the middle of the bathroom.
06:00Why...?
06:05Are you like the borrowers in your house?
06:08You wouldn't need to use a step in my bathroom, would you, Greg?
06:11I wouldn't, Carol.
06:12No.
06:14I'll tell you what, Carol.
06:15Yeah, what?
06:16The most dangerous room in my house is my bedroom.
06:19It's true.
06:21Nothing to do with me, I just keep a puma in it.
06:25Lloyd and I live together, right?
06:27And I would argue that living with Lloyd, pretty much every room is a liability.
06:32First off, Lloyd, on national TV, who smashed the bathroom window?
06:37This is a quiz.
06:38This is a Lloyd broke it quiz.
06:40Lloyd broke things in my house.
06:43Quiz, who broke the bathroom window, Lloyd?
06:45Do you want some quiz music?
06:46Yes, please.
06:49Who broke the bathroom window, Lloyd?
06:51I cracked the bathroom window.
06:53You cracked the bathroom window.
06:54How did you break it?
06:56I was vigorously washing myself in the shower.
07:04So vigorously.
07:07You were washing yourself so vigorously, you smashed the window.
07:12I had the shower gel in my hand and there wasn't much left in the shower gel, so I was...
07:19And it flew out of my hand.
07:29Karen, what have you got for us?
07:31Well, in the United Kingdom, there are thousands more accidents involving socks than chainsaws.
07:38More involving socks than...
07:40Yes! Yes!
07:41What do you mean, yes, yes, yes?
07:43Nearly 12,000 people were taken to hospital last year
07:48after pulling on their socks in a very strange manner
07:51and the number of chainsaw accidents, however, was just over 1,000.
07:55But it's because millions and millions of people put socks on every day.
07:59Not everyone gets up and then goes,
08:01well, I think I'll miss a bit of a chainsaw today.
08:04That's not a fancy.
08:08I would argue that I would rather have 30,000 sock accidents than one chainsaw accident.
08:15Lloyd, what were you going to say?
08:16I was going to say that the Texas sock massacre is a really disappointing film.
08:23I love these type of things.
08:26There was one the other day, very recently.
08:27Did you see the one about toasters?
08:29There was a big fuss about it.
08:30Somebody said that toasters were more dangerous than sharks.
08:33Jaws would have been a very different film if he'd just been...
08:35If Roy Schneider had been pitched against a massive toaster.
08:40If his toaster was anything like mine,
08:41you wouldn't have needed to stick a gas canister in his mouth to shoot it and blow it up.
08:44You could just have put an uneven bagel in and the thing would have been...
08:48That would be the end of the film.
08:49Jaws 2 would have been him taking it back to the shop.
08:55What would you rather have in your bath?
08:57Which one would I rather have in my bath?
08:59Yeah, Jaws or a toaster.
09:00A toaster or a shark.
09:03They're both equally as dangerous, aren't they?
09:05Only if you plug the toaster in.
09:09Have you got any other facts for us, Carol?
09:11Well, of course, accidents, we're talking about rooms.
09:13They can also happen outside the home.
09:16Look at this.
09:23Here it goes, and it's going the wrong way!
09:25Oh, my gosh!
09:33Well, I don't think I got that, but that was not good at all.
09:36Not good at all.
09:41Have you seen that before, Suzie?
09:42She sounded so relaxed, didn't she?
09:44Pretty chilled.
09:45No, it's going the wrong way, never mind, it's the end of the house.
09:48I had a friend who, in the garden, was mowing his lawn in flip-flops.
09:56And the first he knew about there being a problem
10:00was hearing five individual things hitting the fence.
10:07Literally mowing and whistling and then ping, ping, ping, ping, ping!
10:16Quite literally.
10:22Carol, any more facts for us?
10:24What's the most dangerous room in the house?
10:26Well, it isn't just actual things that happen,
10:28sometimes it's the fear of something that might happen.
10:30And a family abandoned their bathroom,
10:32fearing that it had been possessed by Satan.
10:36An image of Satan apparently appeared overnight in a tile.
10:40And the father of the family, Laszlo ÄŒefko, said,
10:44we can't clean it off.
10:46And it wasn't there when we put the tiles up,
10:48it just appeared overnight, nothing could move it.
10:50We wash in the sink downstairs now.
10:54How do they know it wasn't there overnight?
10:56Who looks at their tiles every night to see what shape they are?
11:00OK.
11:03Look how small Satan is!
11:06He doesn't sit on a bathroom tile, to be fair.
11:08But he's tiny, isn't he? Isn't that pointed to a tiny little spot?
11:12It doesn't matter how big he is, he's still scary, Satan.
11:14No, Satan's not going to scare me if he's like,
11:17oh, I've come to destroy the world!
11:26We need to get closer to an answer on what's the most dangerous room in the house.
11:29I have an absolute answer for you.
11:31Because this is according to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents.
11:35I've put my glasses on, age.
11:37In third place, it's the bedroom,
11:40with 230,000 accidents every year, Greg.
11:48In second place, with 260,000 accidents, the kitchen.
11:53I thought kitchen was going to be number one.
11:55I did as well, but the most dangerous room in the house,
11:57with over 310,000 accidents every year, is...
12:01What?
12:02The living room.
12:03I'm going to say it's an answer.
12:09Go, Nick Nolls, there's your answer.
12:11The living room is the most dangerous room in the house.
12:13I used to love playing Cluedo when I was a kid.
12:18Look at this, this takes me back.
12:21The Reverend Green in the billiard room with the candlestick.
12:24That's not from Cluedo, I tore that out of Lloyd's diary earlier.
12:34Ah, look at that, it's the Princess Royal.
12:36Let's see what the Princess Royal wants to know.
12:40Princess Anne here.
12:43What do you think of my King Yongle impression?
12:47It's very good, Anne, very good.
12:50Let's see who else we've got.
12:51What about teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber?
12:57Let's see if Justin has a question.
12:59Rod, strange things are happening to my body.
13:03You know, with my voice, what's going on?
13:07Well, Justin, no need to panic.
13:09At your age, you're probably going through what every teen pop star goes through.
13:12That strange thing with your voice might be auto-tuning.
13:20Alicia Dixon, let's have a question from Alicia.
13:23Hi, Rod.
13:24If everyone turned their vacuum cleaners on at the same time,
13:27could we move the Earth out of its orbit?
13:31Carol, if we all switched our vacuum cleaners on at the same time,
13:35presumably everybody in the world,
13:36could we move the Earth out of its orbit?
13:39I have a gut feeling that the answer might only contain two letters,
13:42one consonant and one vowel.
13:45However, I think it is something we should investigate.
13:49OK.
13:50I'm still trying to work out the conundrum.
13:54Susie, do you think if we all turned our hoovers on at the same time,
13:56we could get the Earth out of its orbit?
13:58No.
13:59What do you mean, no?
14:00Well, that's ridiculous.
14:01Why?
14:02It's hard enough getting one man to switch the hoover on to clean the house,
14:05let alone a whole world.
14:07It's a logistical nightmare.
14:09How are we all going to get time off work?
14:14Did you know, you know with the Mexican oil spill, the Gulf thing?
14:18Yeah.
14:19The BP, in the cleanup operation,
14:20they actually borrowed Kevin Costner's vacuum cleaner.
14:25Kevin Costner has, for the last few years,
14:28been developing, in a secret location,
14:31been developing a giant vacuum cleaner to suck up oil.
14:34You see, it's once a show that you just say something
14:40that is so utterly ridiculous.
14:42Millions and millions and millions, billions possibly,
14:45he spent on an Im and Sammy Davis Jr.
14:49Harold, back me up.
14:51Please tell them that Kevin Costner...
14:53It is true, Kevin Costner,
14:54he's spent 15 years and £18 million of his own money.
14:58She's authenticated it, promised 100%.
15:01Sammy Davis Jr. looks a bit different.
15:07Harold, what have you got for us?
15:09I haven't got a global answer yet,
15:11but on an individual basis, I want you to have a look at this person
15:15trying to give themselves a little bit more power.
15:37There is nothing that can be said that's funnier than that.
15:41I've always wondered,
15:42if everybody in the world shouted,
15:45LOCK OUT!
15:46at the same time, how many lives do you reckon we'd save?
15:52If everyone was shouting it at the same time,
15:54that would include the people who were about to be run over.
15:59Well, exactly, you factor that in, but there's still an answer.
16:02How many lives would we save?
16:03None.
16:04All right, here's a different one.
16:05If we all, every 30 seconds, shouted,
16:07How many lives would we save?
16:08I imagine you, as the originator of this idea,
16:12would be killed within 30 minutes.
16:17If you want to know how powerful vacuum cleaners are,
16:20here's a clip which gives you some idea.
16:23I'm going to try and climb 100 feet
16:25of sheer aluminium-faced building.
16:28I'm properly scared.
16:31With 500 people watching, the first few feet seemed just fine.
16:36But as I climbed, I found another problem.
16:39Grease caused by traffic pollution.
16:41What do you make of that?
17:08When he said he hit a problem,
17:09If he hit a problem, I thought he was going to say the cable would run out.
17:13I thought it would have been more exciting if he didn't have the safety harness.
17:17Oh, I'm with you. Where's the jeopardy?
17:19I'd love to have met him at the top and gone,
17:21they've just repaired the lift, mate, it was fine.
17:23LAUGHTER
17:25I've always wondered which is more powerful,
17:27the most powerful vacuum cleaner in the world or an elephant's trunk?
17:31LAUGHTER
17:33I've always wondered that.
17:35It's clearly...
17:37The elephant's trunk.
17:39Powerful vacuum cleaner in the world.
17:41Get off! I think it's the trunk.
17:43If you were wandering through the Serengeti
17:45and you saw a herd of vacuum cleaners, it wouldn't bother you at all, would it?
17:48But look how dusty the Serengeti is and it's got none of that up.
17:52Yeah. Good point.
17:55He's got a point. He has got a point there.
17:58APPLAUSE
18:00Are we any closer to finding an answer
18:02to whether we could move the Earth out of its orbit
18:04if we all vacuum cleaned at once?
18:06I'm not the vacuum cleaning expert, but I know a man who is.
18:10And he'd like to talk to you.
18:12Or rather, I'd like you to talk to him.
18:14He is Mr James Brown.
18:16Mr Brown?
18:17Hello, Rod, how are you?
18:19I'm very well. Can you hear us loud and clear?
18:21I can hear you loud and clear now.
18:23And we can hear you too. Mr Brown, tell us what it is you do.
18:27Well, I've got the UK's first vacuum cleaner museum
18:30and it opened earlier this year.
18:32When you say the first, is it the only still?
18:34Yeah, it's still the only one at the moment.
18:37James, tell us a little bit about your vacuum cleaner museum.
18:39When did it start?
18:41When did your interest start?
18:43Well, the interest started at the age of four.
18:45I got my first vacuum at the age of eight.
18:47Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
18:49Already more questions popping up.
18:51How can you get interested in a vacuum cleaner at four, James?
18:54I just did. Some of my parents are in the vacuuming.
18:57HE CHUCKLES
18:59LAUGHTER
19:03APPLAUSE
19:11One day all this dust will be mine!
19:14James, I understand that you are such a connoisseur,
19:19a connoisseur of the vacuum cleaner,
19:21that you can identify a vacuum cleaner by its sound alone.
19:25We thought we might put that to the test.
19:27Would you care to try a little test with us?
19:30Yes. OK, cool.
19:32HE CHUCKLES
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36James, you're brilliant.
19:38Right. One of our guests, Mickey Flanagan here,
19:41the comedian Mickey Flanagan, is going to spark up, I believe,
19:45our first vacuum cleaner.
19:48Mickey, do not say anything that might give the game away.
19:51Take it away, Mickey.
19:53WHIRRING
19:55BUZZER
20:01Was that enough of a snippet?
20:03HE CHUCKLES
20:05LAUGHTER
20:07I think he's got it. I think he's got it.
20:10What was that, James?
20:12It's a bin type, like a Henry.
20:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:17It is a Henry.
20:20And number two, this is where we start to see
20:22if this is really going to get interesting.
20:24Spark it up, Mickey.
20:26WHIRRING
20:32It's bagless. It sounds like a Dyson of some kind.
20:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
20:38James? Yeah?
20:40You've been a great sport and thanks very much for playing along.
20:43James Brown, ladies and gentlemen.
20:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:49Carol, have you got a final fact for us that can help us find out
20:52whether, if we all switched our vacuum cleaners on at once,
20:55we could indeed move the Earth out of its orbit? I think we probably could.
20:58Well, the closest answer is from Dave Jones,
21:00a senior engineer with a vacuum company,
21:02and he says we could not change the Earth's orbit
21:05by doing what we suggest.
21:07However, if everyone in the world took a vacuum cleaner,
21:10you'll like this, Lloyd, to the same island in the central Pacific
21:14and we all turned them on together,
21:16we could theoretically shift the angle of the Earth's axis.
21:20AUDIENCE GASPS
21:22It wouldn't change the whole bit,
21:24but it would make it more tropical in the UK.
21:26So we could actually change the climate in the UK?
21:29If we all took our vacuum cleaners to this particular island.
21:33I take that as an answer.
21:35APPLAUSE
21:41So, Alicia Dixon, the answer is no.
21:43But I would like to try and make everyone in the world
21:45run in the same direction at the same time.
21:47Think about it, we could reverse the rotation of the Earth,
21:50go back in time and prevent future atrocities.
21:52We could interrupt Dengis Khan's parents on the night of his conception
21:56and show Mr and Mrs Kyle an episode of their future son's talk show.
22:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
22:04Now, before the show started, I gave our studio audience
22:07the chance to send their questions to me.
22:09So let's look at what you want to know.
22:11Who have we got tonight?
22:14Imogen Island, she looks cheerful.
22:16Imogen Island, are you out there, Imogen?
22:18Yeah.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:22Hello, Imogen. Hi.
22:24Hi, what's your question?
22:25I'd like to know why paper cuts are so sore.
22:27What do you mean?
22:29LAUGHTER
22:30Well, they're pretty annoying and pretty sore.
22:33If I said to you I'm going to come into the audience right now
22:35with a piece of paper in one hand and a butcher's knife in the other...
22:38LAUGHTER
22:40It's a sort of which-would-you-rather situation.
22:42What are you going to go for?
22:44Probably the paper cut, yeah.
22:46Now sit down and shut up.
22:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
22:51Greg, paper cuts are the sore...
22:53I've no idea why they say sore, but I do know that that is the reason
22:56why they fade the sound and lights at the end of the news.
22:59Because if they didn't fade the sound and lights at the end of the news,
23:02this is what you'd see.
23:04SCREAMING
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08APPLAUSE
23:14I know the actual answer.
23:16What is the actual answer? I don't know.
23:18It's because you have more pain receptors on your fingers
23:22and because the cut isn't very deep,
23:25the pain receptors are close to the air and it hurts more.
23:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:33Imogen, are you happy with your answer from Lloyd?
23:39Now then, who's next?
23:41No...
23:43No...
23:45Michael McPake.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49Calm down, it's not Jerry Springer.
23:52Michael, what would you like to know?
23:54I'd like to know if any birds can fly upside down.
23:57Carol, can you see what you can find out?
23:59I'll have a little... Whether a bird...
24:01If the bird's just chilling.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:05You mean the back's true?
24:07And now I'm going to migrate next week, don't I?
24:10LAUGHTER
24:12Surely you'd be like that?
24:14Robins fly upside down, don't they? That's why they're all sunburned.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:19APPLAUSE
24:23Carol, have you got any facts for us that can perhaps...
24:26Well, talk about speed, because obviously to fly upside down
24:29you're probably going to have to reach a certain speed.
24:31Peregrine falcon... Oh, they're quick.
24:33..can reach diving speeds above 185 miles an hour,
24:36which is three times faster than a cheetah can run.
24:39But to be fair, a cheetah is running across difficult terrain.
24:43A peregrine falcon is simply descending with...
24:46If you lobbed a cheetah out of a plane...
24:48LAUGHTER
24:51..I guarantee you, in a cartoon-like way, pretty quickly
24:54he's going to overtake the peregrine falcon on the way down.
24:57Why does everything get speed-wise get compared to a cheetah?
25:00It's because it's the fastest land mammal.
25:02But if you think about my new vertical racing system...
25:05Yeah. ..which I'm just pioneering, I think life would be much...
25:08Horse racing would be a lot more interesting if there was eight horses
25:11and you just shoved all eight of them out of the back of a plane
25:1420,000 feet above the earth. At least they'd all finish.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:19I'd quite like to see that documentary where David Attenborough was going,
25:23and now the cheetah stalks its prey.
25:26And there's this, like, four wildebeest
25:28and then the cheetah just falls from the sky.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:32Takes one out.
25:34Hopefully, in a few years, if elephants get their act together,
25:37the cheetah will have a lot cleaner terrain to run across.
25:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
25:45Carol, have you got anything that takes us closer to an answer
25:47on whether a bird can fly upside down, please?
25:49Well, I do.
25:51According to the National Geographic, which knows everything,
25:54the ruby-throated hummingbird flies in an acrobatic style
25:58matched by a few other birds.
26:00They beat their wings 53 times per second...
26:03Wow. ..and, yes, they can even fly upside down.
26:06I will take that as an answer. Thank you, Carol.
26:12So, Michael McPake, the answer is some birds can indeed fly upside down.
26:17APPLAUSE
26:20Well, that's nearly all the questions we've had sent in this week,
26:23but there's time for one more from Jake Humphrey and David Coulthard.
26:27What would the boys like to know?
26:29Hi there, Rod. Rod, hi.
26:31As you know, DC and I are very good friends,
26:33therefore we weren't having an argument,
26:35we were having a heated debate about cars and the human body.
26:38We were wanting to know, if we could take a part from a car
26:42and put it on a human body, what part would that be?
26:46Susie, you, what with your motorcycling stuff,
26:48but car part, would you have a car part bit or a motorcycle bit
26:51attached to your body? What would you have?
26:53You can only have one. What is it?
26:55Oh, this is really hard, isn't it?
26:57It is a hard question. It's a good one.
26:59Because there's a daft answer for the car, obviously, the back seat,
27:02cos that's where all the action happens.
27:04Ooh! Hang on, you'd have a back seat...
27:07LAUGHTER
27:09..attached to your...
27:11What would you have, Carol?
27:13What would I have? What would you have?
27:15I think I'd have heated seats.
27:19What, a heated bottom? Yes, a heated bottom.
27:22Susie, I'd like to put that to you.
27:24Would you like a heated seat?
27:26Well, on my rear seat, where the action's happening,
27:28I think it should be heated.
27:29So you're still going for your rear seat?
27:31I'm combining with Carol. We're having a heated rear seat.
27:34Lloyd, what would you have? You could have a car part
27:36fitted to your body. Only one, mind.
27:38I'd have a little nozzle on my chest.
27:40Oh, right.
27:43Why would you have a nozzle on your chest?
27:45What do you mean, a nozzle? It would fire screen wash.
27:50So I could turn it upwards and wash my face,
27:53or turn it downwards and wash little Lloyd.
28:03Never say the phrase little Lloyd again in my conference.
28:06Mickey, what would you have?
28:08I'd like an airbag system,
28:11where when I was at sort of parties
28:13and had just a few too many drinks,
28:15as I was about to say the wrong thing to somebody,
28:18it went...
28:21Like what?
28:23Oh, well...
28:25I never find out that, cos it goes off.
28:27Why don't you role-play it with Greg?
28:29Yeah, why don't you role-play it with me?
28:31Greg is a lady that you're trying to chat up.
28:34You be the man. Lloyd, you come on the front,
28:36and you be the exploding cushion.
28:38He hops up in the middle, right at the right time.
28:44Let's play some music for you.
28:47Some gentle party music.
28:50Yes, I know, that's exactly what I said to him, yeah.
28:55I know he's quite a rogue, I've heard.
28:59Yes.
29:03I knew that. I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.
29:05No, I know, you've been ignoring me, but...
29:09I know that's a clear sign that you want me, really.
29:12It's a start.
29:14When you say, I want you, do you mean, in what sense?
29:17Woo-hoo!
29:20APPLAUSE
29:35Oh, Lloyd, you do make a good earbag.
29:39I've always said that about you, he does do a good earbag.
29:42He can't make pizza, but he does a good earbag.
29:44Greg, what would you have?
29:46Now I've thought about it, I'd have windscreen wipers, actually,
29:49so that dawdling fools can get out of my way
29:52when I'm walking down the highway.
29:55Go on, and you can prove to us tonight, in this studio,
29:58that windscreen wipers are the best part,
30:00the car part, to fit to the human body, can't you?
30:02I've been giving this some thought, and I'll prove it right here,
30:05right now!
30:07APPLAUSE
30:13Please welcome Lloyd and his windscreen wiper arms!
30:17CHEERING
30:24Guess which finger I'm sticking up.
30:27Now, then, this is the story of Lloyd,
30:29The Human Car's Drive Home From Work,
30:32by Greg Davis, aged 34.
30:3834?!
30:3934!
30:40All right, Fordham, then!
30:42Sorry, I read that wrong in your storybook, Greg.
30:45It says, by Greg Davis, 34 stone.
30:50Little Lloyd Langford was...
30:54Not that little Lloyd Langford!
30:57Little Lloyd Langford was driving home
30:59from a hard day's work at the BBC.
31:01Oh!
31:02What a lovely day, thought Lloyd.
31:05To enjoy this trip home, little did Lloyd know
31:09that the British weather had a few surprises in store for him.
31:13Luckily, Lloyd the Human Car is equipped
31:15with top-of-the-range windscreen wipers.
31:18Rain. Typical, thought Lloyd.
31:22Sadly, the rain quickly turned to hail.
31:25As is often the case, the hail turned to snow.
31:29This weather's a bit strange, thought Lloyd.
31:31Only a few harmless autumnal leaves, Lloyd.
31:35Whatever next, thought Lloyd.
31:37Well, an irresponsible farmer had left his chicken coop open,
31:41that's what.
31:45What an irresponsible farmer.
31:47At this point, our story takes an unusual twist.
31:51In a nearby field, tennis champion Roger Federer
31:55is practising his now legendary serve.
31:59This is ridiculous, cried Lloyd.
32:01Oh, I do hope that's not a freak tornado up ahead.
32:04Sadly, it was.
32:06And some crows had been caught up in it.
32:11Ironically, so had the farmer's scarecrow
32:14been caught up in the tornado.
32:17Fortunately, things seemed to settle down
32:20and Lloyd allowed himself to relax.
32:22He even turned off his top-of-the-range windscreen wipers.
32:25He turned off his top-of-the-range windscreen wipers.
32:28Which was a massive mistake.
32:32As the silly local zookeeper
32:34had left one of the enclosures open
32:37and an animal had escaped from the zoo.
32:40Lloyd thought, I'm going to really need my windscreen wipers.
32:47Come back, Lloyd, we haven't got to the end of the story.
32:56Don't look so unhappy.
33:00You all right, Lloyd?
33:02I'm fine, because I can take these off,
33:04but he's still going to be a fat idiot.
33:11I tell you what, though, you have no doubt about it,
33:14if you've convinced me that windscreen wipers are,
33:16no doubt about it, the best, the most useful car part
33:19to attach to one's human body.
33:21We have an answer.
33:26So, David Coulthard and Jake Hemsbury,
33:28for me, it's clearly the windscreen wipers.
33:30Of course, people have been replacing body parts
33:32with car accessories for years.
33:34There's Jordan's airbags.
33:36Simon Cowell famously replaced his hair with a Renault Clio floor mat.
33:40And there's Gordon Ramsay, who, despite having 12 Michelin stars,
33:44replaced his forehead with a Pirelli tyre track.
33:51Well, that's pretty much it for tonight.
33:53So, people of Britain, if you've got a question,
33:55you can tweet the show, but for tonight,
33:57it's thanks to Susie Petty,
33:59Nicky Flanagan,
34:01Greg Davies,
34:03my flatmate Lloyd,
34:05and, of course, tonight's authenticator,
34:08Carol Vorderman.
34:11Join us next week. I'm Rod Gilbert,
34:13and you can ask me literally anything.
34:15Good night.
34:23You can hear more from Rod Gilbert and his guests
34:26as they continue to chew the fat
34:28over more of the week's funny stories
34:30on his radio show.
34:32Download the free podcast now
34:34at the BBC Radio Wales website.
34:48They've got a vacuum thing.
34:53They've got a vacuum.