Ask Rhod Gilbert. S01 E03.
First broadcast 11th October 2010.
Cast
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Carol Vorderman
Micky Flanagan
Suzi Perry
Jake Humphrey
David Coulthard
Cast
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Carol Vorderman
Micky Flanagan
Suzi Perry
Jake Humphrey
David Coulthard
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on Ask Rod Gilbert, our special guests are, she knows her stuff, it's Gadget Girl,
00:27Susie Perry, and five-star stand-up Vicky Flanagan, actor and comedian Greg Davies,
00:35and Rod's flatmate Lloyd. Ladies and gentlemen, let's ask Rod Gilbert.
00:43Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers
00:48to the questions that keep us all awake at night. Some questions can't be answered easily,
00:53like, do paper toilet seat covers offer any real protection? Well, it depends what kind
00:58of protection you're talking about. It might stop you getting a bit of wee on your bottom,
01:01but if you whip one out during a drive-by shooting, it probably wouldn't change the outcome.
01:06And some questions go to the heart of who we are as human beings, questions of paramount
01:11national importance, such as, when I'm buying a train ticket, why does the ticket machine
01:16say popular destinations include? Popular destinations? Wind your neck in, you're a
01:21ticket machine, not Judith Chalmers. And I wouldn't mind if the popular destinations
01:25were Bali or Ibiza, but who's going to rock up at half-eight in the morning and think,
01:29well, I work in Didcot Parkway, but it looks like it's all happening in Crewe this week.
01:34And what do you know about travelling anyway? Apart from a few bits of you that were made
01:37in China, you've never even left this station. You've sat here, immobile, facing straight
01:42forward, staring lifelessly ahead of you for the last few years, contributing nothing
01:46to earning a fortune. You are the Danny Minogue of the vending world.
01:56In a world full of rumour, gossip and tittle-tattle, we need someone with credibility to help us
02:00find the answers to our questions. So, as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's
02:05authenticator?
02:08She'll need every ounce of the knowledge gained at university. She's got one of the biggest
02:13queues I've ever seen. She's got a website dedicated to her bottom. Her name rhymes with
02:18barrel. If there's anything to be added up, she'd be all over it, like a saucy human abacus.
02:23Who is tonight's authenticator? What a conundrum. Is it crack den man love? Is it old vole man
02:28car? Is it male voice choir? No, it's Carol Vorderman.
02:43Lovely twanging, actually.
02:48It's lovely to be here.
02:49Oh, it's a pleasure to have you. How are you going to help us tonight, Carol?
02:52Well, Rod, I've got things to show us, things to tell us. I am your fact queen tonight.
02:59OK, you'll be getting the information, you'll be giving it to us.
03:01I will.
03:02And when I think we've finally found an answer to the question, I will do this.
03:10Hi, Susie.
03:11Hi, Rod.
03:12Thank you for coming to the show.
03:13That's my pleasure.
03:14Have you learnt anything this week?
03:16I've learnt that the UN have appointed an astrophysicist to head up their office for
03:22outer space, which means that he's going to go and speak to the aliens.
03:26Don't you think that would be so boring? I wouldn't rather speak to somebody that was
03:29hyper-intelligent, you know, bordering genius, maybe good-looking, comedy wit, comedy genius.
03:35Lloyd!
03:36Lloyd? If I was an alien and I arrived and met Lloyd...
03:42I'd look in the mirror and go, I don't look that bad after all.
03:52Hang on a minute, if we're talking about physical malformities, then...
03:57What?
03:58Look at you.
04:03I think you'll find, Lloyd, that I'm pretty much the eye candy on this panel.
04:07Yeah, one woman agrees.
04:09You wouldn't be the eye candy on that panel if an alien arrived and turned the other three
04:12inside out with a laser.
04:16So, let's find out who wants to know what.
04:19Who have we got tonight?
04:21Ah, it's the English Commonwealth Hockey Team.
04:26They say, hi, Rod, do you think we were right to drink the water at the athletes' village?
04:31APPLAUSE
04:36It's hard to say, isn't it?
04:38It's hard to say. We'll know with time, I imagine.
04:42Ah, Sir Sean Connery.
04:46I was wondering what that groan was.
04:49Was that a good groan, was it?
04:50That was a very good groan, that was, yeah.
04:52Just excuse me for a minute.
04:55Hang on a minute.
04:58You may be the eye candy, but I'm sorry you've been overtaken.
05:01Yeah, by a man who's 170.
05:05That's my kind of age.
05:06What, you like it just because it's a challenge to add up?
05:15Let's have a look at who else we've got, shall we?
05:17Oh, Nick Knowles.
05:23Susie, you used to go out with Nick, didn't you?
05:24Yes, I did.
05:25Sorry, it's questions for me, you'll be fine.
05:28All right, Rodders, there's something I've been wondering about for a long time.
05:32Can you help me out?
05:33I want to know which is the most dangerous room in the house?
05:38The most dangerous room in the house.
05:40Mickey, what do you think it is?
05:41I think it's the kitchen.
05:42Do you?
05:43Yeah, because that's where you have the conversations.
05:47And you need to talk.
05:49Because if someone calls you in there for a chat, it's serious.
05:53What's the most dangerous room in your house, Carol?
05:55My bathroom.
05:57Because I've got a step in the middle of the bathroom.
06:00Why...?
06:05Are you like the borrowers in your house?
06:08You wouldn't need to use a step in my bathroom, would you, Greg?
06:11I wouldn't, Carol.
06:12No.
06:14I'll tell you what, Carol.
06:15Yeah, what?
06:16The most dangerous room in my house is my bedroom.
06:19It's true.
06:21Nothing to do with me, I just keep a puma in it.
06:25Lloyd and I live together, right?
06:27And I would argue that living with Lloyd, pretty much every room is a liability.
06:32First off, Lloyd, on national TV, who smashed the bathroom window?
06:37This is a quiz.
06:38This is a Lloyd broke it quiz.
06:40Lloyd broke things in my house.
06:43Quiz, who broke the bathroom window, Lloyd?
06:45Do you want some quiz music?
06:46Yes, please.
06:49Who broke the bathroom window, Lloyd?
06:51I cracked the bathroom window.
06:53You cracked the bathroom window.
06:54How did you break it?
06:56I was vigorously washing myself in the shower.
07:04So vigorously.
07:07You were washing yourself so vigorously, you smashed the window.
07:12I had the shower gel in my hand and there wasn't much left in the shower gel, so I was...
07:19And it flew out of my hand.
07:29Karen, what have you got for us?
07:31Well, in the United Kingdom, there are thousands more accidents involving socks than chainsaws.
07:38More involving socks than...
07:40Yes! Yes!
07:41What do you mean, yes, yes, yes?
07:43Nearly 12,000 people were taken to hospital last year
07:48after pulling on their socks in a very strange manner
07:51and the number of chainsaw accidents, however, was just over 1,000.
07:55But it's because millions and millions of people put socks on every day.
07:59Not everyone gets up and then goes,
08:01well, I think I'll miss a bit of a chainsaw today.
08:04That's not a fancy.
08:08I would argue that I would rather have 30,000 sock accidents than one chainsaw accident.
08:15Lloyd, what were you going to say?
08:16I was going to say that the Texas sock massacre is a really disappointing film.
08:23I love these type of things.
08:26There was one the other day, very recently.
08:27Did you see the one about toasters?
08:29There was a big fuss about it.
08:30Somebody said that toasters were more dangerous than sharks.
08:33Jaws would have been a very different film if he'd just been...
08:35If Roy Schneider had been pitched against a massive toaster.
08:40If his toaster was anything like mine,
08:41you wouldn't have needed to stick a gas canister in his mouth to shoot it and blow it up.
08:44You could just have put an uneven bagel in and the thing would have been...
08:48That would be the end of the film.
08:49Jaws 2 would have been him taking it back to the shop.
08:55What would you rather have in your bath?
08:57Which one would I rather have in my bath?
08:59Yeah, Jaws or a toaster.
09:00A toaster or a shark.
09:03They're both equally as dangerous, aren't they?
09:05Only if you plug the toaster in.
09:09Have you got any other facts for us, Carol?
09:11Well, of course, accidents, we're talking about rooms.
09:13They can also happen outside the home.
09:16Look at this.
09:23Here it goes, and it's going the wrong way!
09:25Oh, my gosh!
09:33Well, I don't think I got that, but that was not good at all.
09:36Not good at all.
09:41Have you seen that before, Suzie?
09:42She sounded so relaxed, didn't she?
09:44Pretty chilled.
09:45No, it's going the wrong way, never mind, it's the end of the house.
09:48I had a friend who, in the garden, was mowing his lawn in flip-flops.
09:56And the first he knew about there being a problem
10:00was hearing five individual things hitting the fence.
10:07Literally mowing and whistling and then ping, ping, ping, ping, ping!
10:16Quite literally.
10:22Carol, any more facts for us?
10:24What's the most dangerous room in the house?
10:26Well, it isn't just actual things that happen,
10:28sometimes it's the fear of something that might happen.
10:30And a family abandoned their bathroom,
10:32fearing that it had been possessed by Satan.
10:36An image of Satan apparently appeared overnight in a tile.
10:40And the father of the family, Laszlo ÄŒefko, said,
10:44we can't clean it off.
10:46And it wasn't there when we put the tiles up,
10:48it just appeared overnight, nothing could move it.
10:50We wash in the sink downstairs now.
10:54How do they know it wasn't there overnight?
10:56Who looks at their tiles every night to see what shape they are?
11:00OK.
11:03Look how small Satan is!
11:06He doesn't sit on a bathroom tile, to be fair.
11:08But he's tiny, isn't he? Isn't that pointed to a tiny little spot?
11:12It doesn't matter how big he is, he's still scary, Satan.
11:14No, Satan's not going to scare me if he's like,
11:17oh, I've come to destroy the world!
11:26We need to get closer to an answer on what's the most dangerous room in the house.
11:29I have an absolute answer for you.
11:31Because this is according to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents.
11:35I've put my glasses on, age.
11:37In third place, it's the bedroom,
11:40with 230,000 accidents every year, Greg.
11:48In second place, with 260,000 accidents, the kitchen.
11:53I thought kitchen was going to be number one.
11:55I did as well, but the most dangerous room in the house,
11:57with over 310,000 accidents every year, is...
12:01What?
12:02The living room.
12:03I'm going to say it's an answer.
12:09Go, Nick Nolls, there's your answer.
12:11The living room is the most dangerous room in the house.
12:13I used to love playing Cluedo when I was a kid.
12:18Look at this, this takes me back.
12:21The Reverend Green in the billiard room with the candlestick.
12:24That's not from Cluedo, I tore that out of Lloyd's diary earlier.
12:34Ah, look at that, it's the Princess Royal.
12:36Let's see what the Princess Royal wants to know.
12:40Princess Anne here.
12:43What do you think of my King Yongle impression?
12:47It's very good, Anne, very good.
12:50Let's see who else we've got.
12:51What about teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber?
12:57Let's see if Justin has a question.
12:59Rod, strange things are happening to my body.
13:03You know, with my voice, what's going on?
13:07Well, Justin, no need to panic.
13:09At your age, you're probably going through what every teen pop star goes through.
13:12That strange thing with your voice might be auto-tuning.
13:20Alicia Dixon, let's have a question from Alicia.
13:23Hi, Rod.
13:24If everyone turned their vacuum cleaners on at the same time,
13:27could we move the Earth out of its orbit?
13:31Carol, if we all switched our vacuum cleaners on at the same time,
13:35presumably everybody in the world,
13:36could we move the Earth out of its orbit?
13:39I have a gut feeling that the answer might only contain two letters,
13:42one consonant and one vowel.
13:45However, I think it is something we should investigate.
13:49OK.
13:50I'm still trying to work out the conundrum.
13:54Susie, do you think if we all turned our hoovers on at the same time,
13:56we could get the Earth out of its orbit?
13:58No.
13:59What do you mean, no?
14:00Well, that's ridiculous.
14:01Why?
14:02It's hard enough getting one man to switch the hoover on to clean the house,
14:05let alone a whole world.
14:07It's a logistical nightmare.
14:09How are we all going to get time off work?
14:14Did you know, you know with the Mexican oil spill, the Gulf thing?
14:18Yeah.
14:19The BP, in the cleanup operation,
14:20they actually borrowed Kevin Costner's vacuum cleaner.
14:25Kevin Costner has, for the last few years,
14:28been developing, in a secret location,
14:31been developing a giant vacuum cleaner to suck up oil.
14:34You see, it's once a show that you just say something
14:40that is so utterly ridiculous.
14:42Millions and millions and millions, billions possibly,
14:45he spent on an Im and Sammy Davis Jr.
14:49Harold, back me up.
14:51Please tell them that Kevin Costner...
14:53It is true, Kevin Costner,
14:54he's spent 15 years and £18 million of his own money.
14:58She's authenticated it, promised 100%.
15:01Sammy Davis Jr. looks a bit different.
15:07Harold, what have you got for us?
15:09I haven't got a global answer yet,
15:11but on an individual basis, I want you to have a look at this person
15:15trying to give themselves a little bit more power.
15:37There is nothing that can be said that's funnier than that.
15:41I've always wondered,
15:42if everybody in the world shouted,
15:45LOCK OUT!
15:46at the same time, how many lives do you reckon we'd save?
15:52If everyone was shouting it at the same time,
15:54that would include the people who were about to be run over.
15:59Well, exactly, you factor that in, but there's still an answer.
16:02How many lives would we save?
16:03None.
16:04All right, here's a different one.
16:05If we all, every 30 seconds, shouted,
16:07How many lives would we save?
16:08I imagine you, as the originator of this idea,
16:12would be killed within 30 minutes.
16:17If you want to know how powerful vacuum cleaners are,
16:20here's a clip which gives you some idea.
16:23I'm going to try and climb 100 feet
16:25of sheer aluminium-faced building.
16:28I'm properly scared.
16:31With 500 people watching, the first few feet seemed just fine.
16:36But as I climbed, I found another problem.
16:39Grease caused by traffic pollution.
16:41What do you make of that?
17:08When he said he hit a problem,
17:09If he hit a problem, I thought he was going to say the cable would run out.
17:13I thought it would have been more exciting if he didn't have the safety harness.
17:17Oh, I'm with you. Where's the jeopardy?
17:19I'd love to have met him at the top and gone,
17:21they've just repaired the lift, mate, it was fine.
17:23LAUGHTER
17:25I've always wondered which is more powerful,
17:27the most powerful vacuum cleaner in the world or an elephant's trunk?
17:31LAUGHTER
17:33I've always wondered that.
17:35It's clearly...
17:37The elephant's trunk.
17:39Powerful vacuum cleaner in the world.
17:41Get off! I think it's the trunk.
17:43If you were wandering through the Serengeti
17:45and you saw a herd of vacuum cleaners, it wouldn't bother you at all, would it?
17:48But look how dusty the Serengeti is and it's got none of that up.
17:52Yeah. Good point.
17:55He's got a point. He has got a point there.
17:58APPLAUSE
18:00Are we any closer to finding an answer
18:02to whether we could move the Earth out of its orbit
18:04if we all vacuum cleaned at once?
18:06I'm not the vacuum cleaning expert, but I know a man who is.
18:10And he'd like to talk to you.
18:12Or rather, I'd like you to talk to him.
18:14He is Mr James Brown.
18:16Mr Brown?
18:17Hello, Rod, how are you?
18:19I'm very well. Can you hear us loud and clear?
18:21I can hear you loud and clear now.
18:23And we can hear you too. Mr Brown, tell us what it is you do.
18:27Well, I've got the UK's first vacuum cleaner museum
18:30and it opened earlier this year.
18:32When you say the first, is it the only still?
18:34Yeah, it's still the only one at the moment.
18:37James, tell us a little bit about your vacuum cleaner museum.
18:39When did it start?
18:41When did your interest start?
18:43Well, the interest started at the age of four.
18:45I got my first vacuum at the age of eight.
18:47Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
18:49Already more questions popping up.
18:51How can you get interested in a vacuum cleaner at four, James?
18:54I just did. Some of my parents are in the vacuuming.
18:57HE CHUCKLES
18:59LAUGHTER
19:03APPLAUSE
19:11One day all this dust will be mine!
19:14James, I understand that you are such a connoisseur,
19:19a connoisseur of the vacuum cleaner,
19:21that you can identify a vacuum cleaner by its sound alone.
19:25We thought we might put that to the test.
19:27Would you care to try a little test with us?
19:30Yes. OK, cool.
19:32HE CHUCKLES
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36James, you're brilliant.
19:38Right. One of our guests, Mickey Flanagan here,
19:41the comedian Mickey Flanagan, is going to spark up, I believe,
19:45our first vacuum cleaner.
19:48Mickey, do not say anything that might give the game away.
19:51Take it away, Mickey.
19:53WHIRRING
19:55BUZZER
20:01Was that enough of a snippet?
20:03HE CHUCKLES
20:05LAUGHTER
20:07I think he's got it. I think he's got it.
20:10What was that, James?
20:12It's a bin type, like a Henry.
20:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:17It is a Henry.
20:20And number two, this is where we start to see
20:22if this is really going to get interesting.
20:24Spark it up, Mickey.
20:26WHIRRING
20:32It's bagless. It sounds like a Dyson of some kind.
20:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
20:38James? Yeah?
20:40You've been a great sport and thanks very much for playing along.
20:43James Brown, ladies and gentlemen.
20:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:49Carol, have you got a final fact for us that can help us find out
20:52whether, if we all switched our vacuum cleaners on at once,
20:55we could indeed move the Earth out of its orbit? I think we probably could.
20:58Well, the closest answer is from Dave Jones,
21:00a senior engineer with a vacuum company,
21:02and he says we could not change the Earth's orbit
21:05by doing what we suggest.
21:07However, if everyone in the world took a vacuum cleaner,
21:10you'll like this, Lloyd, to the same island in the central Pacific
21:14and we all turned them on together,
21:16we could theoretically shift the angle of the Earth's axis.
21:20AUDIENCE GASPS
21:22It wouldn't change the whole bit,
21:24but it would make it more tropical in the UK.
21:26So we could actually change the climate in the UK?
21:29If we all took our vacuum cleaners to this particular island.
21:33I take that as an answer.
21:35APPLAUSE
21:41So, Alicia Dixon, the answer is no.
21:43But I would like to try and make everyone in the world
21:45run in the same direction at the same time.
21:47Think about it, we could reverse the rotation of the Earth,
21:50go back in time and prevent future atrocities.
21:52We could interrupt Dengis Khan's parents on the night of his conception
21:56and show Mr and Mrs Kyle an episode of their future son's talk show.
22:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
22:04Now, before the show started, I gave our studio audience
22:07the chance to send their questions to me.
22:09So let's look at what you want to know.
22:11Who have we got tonight?
22:14Imogen Island, she looks cheerful.
22:16Imogen Island, are you out there, Imogen?
22:18Yeah.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:22Hello, Imogen. Hi.
22:24Hi, what's your question?
22:25I'd like to know why paper cuts are so sore.
22:27What do you mean?
22:29LAUGHTER
22:30Well, they're pretty annoying and pretty sore.
22:33If I said to you I'm going to come into the audience right now
22:35with a piece of paper in one hand and a butcher's knife in the other...
22:38LAUGHTER
22:40It's a sort of which-would-you-rather situation.
22:42What are you going to go for?
22:44Probably the paper cut, yeah.
22:46Now sit down and shut up.
22:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
22:51Greg, paper cuts are the sore...
22:53I've no idea why they say sore, but I do know that that is the reason
22:56why they fade the sound and lights at the end of the news.
22:59Because if they didn't fade the sound and lights at the end of the news,
23:02this is what you'd see.
23:04SCREAMING
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08APPLAUSE
23:14I know the actual answer.
23:16What is the actual answer? I don't know.
23:18It's because you have more pain receptors on your fingers
23:22and because the cut isn't very deep,
23:25the pain receptors are close to the air and it hurts more.
23:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:33Imogen, are you happy with your answer from Lloyd?
23:39Now then, who's next?
23:41No...
23:43No...
23:45Michael McPake.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49Calm down, it's not Jerry Springer.
23:52Michael, what would you like to know?
23:54I'd like to know if any birds can fly upside down.
23:57Carol, can you see what you can find out?
23:59I'll have a little... Whether a bird...
24:01If the bird's just chilling.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:05You mean the back's true?
24:07And now I'm going to migrate next week, don't I?
24:10LAUGHTER
24:12Surely you'd be like that?
24:14Robins fly upside down, don't they? That's why they're all sunburned.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:19APPLAUSE
24:23Carol, have you got any facts for us that can perhaps...
24:26Well, talk about speed, because obviously to fly upside down
24:29you're probably going to have to reach a certain speed.
24:31Peregrine falcon... Oh, they're quick.
24:33..can reach diving speeds above 185 miles an hour,
24:36which is three times faster than a cheetah can run.
24:39But to be fair, a cheetah is running across difficult terrain.
24:43A peregrine falcon is simply descending with...
24:46If you lobbed a cheetah out of a plane...
24:48LAUGHTER
24:51..I guarantee you, in a cartoon-like way, pretty quickly
24:54he's going to overtake the peregrine falcon on the way down.
24:57Why does everything get speed-wise get compared to a cheetah?
25:00It's because it's the fastest land mammal.
25:02But if you think about my new vertical racing system...
25:05Yeah. ..which I'm just pioneering, I think life would be much...
25:08Horse racing would be a lot more interesting if there was eight horses
25:11and you just shoved all eight of them out of the back of a plane
25:1420,000 feet above the earth. At least they'd all finish.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:19I'd quite like to see that documentary where David Attenborough was going,
25:23and now the cheetah stalks its prey.
25:26And there's this, like, four wildebeest
25:28and then the cheetah just falls from the sky.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:32Takes one out.
25:34Hopefully, in a few years, if elephants get their act together,
25:37the cheetah will have a lot cleaner terrain to run across.
25:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
25:45Carol, have you got anything that takes us closer to an answer
25:47on whether a bird can fly upside down, please?
25:49Well, I do.
25:51According to the National Geographic, which knows everything,
25:54the ruby-throated hummingbird flies in an acrobatic style
25:58matched by a few other birds.
26:00They beat their wings 53 times per second...
26:03Wow. ..and, yes, they can even fly upside down.
26:06I will take that as an answer. Thank you, Carol.
26:12So, Michael McPake, the answer is some birds can indeed fly upside down.
26:17APPLAUSE
26:20Well, that's nearly all the questions we've had sent in this week,
26:23but there's time for one more from Jake Humphrey and David Coulthard.
26:27What would the boys like to know?
26:29Hi there, Rod. Rod, hi.
26:31As you know, DC and I are very good friends,
26:33therefore we weren't having an argument,
26:35we were having a heated debate about cars and the human body.
26:38We were wanting to know, if we could take a part from a car
26:42and put it on a human body, what part would that be?
26:46Susie, you, what with your motorcycling stuff,
26:48but car part, would you have a car part bit or a motorcycle bit
26:51attached to your body? What would you have?
26:53You can only have one. What is it?
26:55Oh, this is really hard, isn't it?
26:57It is a hard question. It's a good one.
26:59Because there's a daft answer for the car, obviously, the back seat,
27:02cos that's where all the action happens.
27:04Ooh! Hang on, you'd have a back seat...
27:07LAUGHTER
27:09..attached to your...
27:11What would you have, Carol?
27:13What would I have? What would you have?
27:15I think I'd have heated seats.
27:19What, a heated bottom? Yes, a heated bottom.
27:22Susie, I'd like to put that to you.
27:24Would you like a heated seat?
27:26Well, on my rear seat, where the action's happening,
27:28I think it should be heated.
27:29So you're still going for your rear seat?
27:31I'm combining with Carol. We're having a heated rear seat.
27:34Lloyd, what would you have? You could have a car part
27:36fitted to your body. Only one, mind.
27:38I'd have a little nozzle on my chest.
27:40Oh, right.
27:43Why would you have a nozzle on your chest?
27:45What do you mean, a nozzle? It would fire screen wash.
27:50So I could turn it upwards and wash my face,
27:53or turn it downwards and wash little Lloyd.
28:03Never say the phrase little Lloyd again in my conference.
28:06Mickey, what would you have?
28:08I'd like an airbag system,
28:11where when I was at sort of parties
28:13and had just a few too many drinks,
28:15as I was about to say the wrong thing to somebody,
28:18it went...
28:21Like what?
28:23Oh, well...
28:25I never find out that, cos it goes off.
28:27Why don't you role-play it with Greg?
28:29Yeah, why don't you role-play it with me?
28:31Greg is a lady that you're trying to chat up.
28:34You be the man. Lloyd, you come on the front,
28:36and you be the exploding cushion.
28:38He hops up in the middle, right at the right time.
28:44Let's play some music for you.
28:47Some gentle party music.
28:50Yes, I know, that's exactly what I said to him, yeah.
28:55I know he's quite a rogue, I've heard.
28:59Yes.
29:03I knew that. I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.
29:05No, I know, you've been ignoring me, but...
29:09I know that's a clear sign that you want me, really.
29:12It's a start.
29:14When you say, I want you, do you mean, in what sense?
29:17Woo-hoo!
29:20APPLAUSE
29:35Oh, Lloyd, you do make a good earbag.
29:39I've always said that about you, he does do a good earbag.
29:42He can't make pizza, but he does a good earbag.
29:44Greg, what would you have?
29:46Now I've thought about it, I'd have windscreen wipers, actually,
29:49so that dawdling fools can get out of my way
29:52when I'm walking down the highway.
29:55Go on, and you can prove to us tonight, in this studio,
29:58that windscreen wipers are the best part,
30:00the car part, to fit to the human body, can't you?
30:02I've been giving this some thought, and I'll prove it right here,
30:05right now!
30:07APPLAUSE
30:13Please welcome Lloyd and his windscreen wiper arms!
30:17CHEERING
30:24Guess which finger I'm sticking up.
30:27Now, then, this is the story of Lloyd,
30:29The Human Car's Drive Home From Work,
30:32by Greg Davis, aged 34.
30:3834?!
30:3934!
30:40All right, Fordham, then!
30:42Sorry, I read that wrong in your storybook, Greg.
30:45It says, by Greg Davis, 34 stone.
30:50Little Lloyd Langford was...
30:54Not that little Lloyd Langford!
30:57Little Lloyd Langford was driving home
30:59from a hard day's work at the BBC.
31:01Oh!
31:02What a lovely day, thought Lloyd.
31:05To enjoy this trip home, little did Lloyd know
31:09that the British weather had a few surprises in store for him.
31:13Luckily, Lloyd the Human Car is equipped
31:15with top-of-the-range windscreen wipers.
31:18Rain. Typical, thought Lloyd.
31:22Sadly, the rain quickly turned to hail.
31:25As is often the case, the hail turned to snow.
31:29This weather's a bit strange, thought Lloyd.
31:31Only a few harmless autumnal leaves, Lloyd.
31:35Whatever next, thought Lloyd.
31:37Well, an irresponsible farmer had left his chicken coop open,
31:41that's what.
31:45What an irresponsible farmer.
31:47At this point, our story takes an unusual twist.
31:51In a nearby field, tennis champion Roger Federer
31:55is practising his now legendary serve.
31:59This is ridiculous, cried Lloyd.
32:01Oh, I do hope that's not a freak tornado up ahead.
32:04Sadly, it was.
32:06And some crows had been caught up in it.
32:11Ironically, so had the farmer's scarecrow
32:14been caught up in the tornado.
32:17Fortunately, things seemed to settle down
32:20and Lloyd allowed himself to relax.
32:22He even turned off his top-of-the-range windscreen wipers.
32:25He turned off his top-of-the-range windscreen wipers.
32:28Which was a massive mistake.
32:32As the silly local zookeeper
32:34had left one of the enclosures open
32:37and an animal had escaped from the zoo.
32:40Lloyd thought, I'm going to really need my windscreen wipers.
32:47Come back, Lloyd, we haven't got to the end of the story.
32:56Don't look so unhappy.
33:00You all right, Lloyd?
33:02I'm fine, because I can take these off,
33:04but he's still going to be a fat idiot.
33:11I tell you what, though, you have no doubt about it,
33:14if you've convinced me that windscreen wipers are,
33:16no doubt about it, the best, the most useful car part
33:19to attach to one's human body.
33:21We have an answer.
33:26So, David Coulthard and Jake Hemsbury,
33:28for me, it's clearly the windscreen wipers.
33:30Of course, people have been replacing body parts
33:32with car accessories for years.
33:34There's Jordan's airbags.
33:36Simon Cowell famously replaced his hair with a Renault Clio floor mat.
33:40And there's Gordon Ramsay, who, despite having 12 Michelin stars,
33:44replaced his forehead with a Pirelli tyre track.
33:51Well, that's pretty much it for tonight.
33:53So, people of Britain, if you've got a question,
33:55you can tweet the show, but for tonight,
33:57it's thanks to Susie Petty,
33:59Nicky Flanagan,
34:01Greg Davies,
34:03my flatmate Lloyd,
34:05and, of course, tonight's authenticator,
34:08Carol Vorderman.
34:11Join us next week. I'm Rod Gilbert,
34:13and you can ask me literally anything.
34:15Good night.
34:23You can hear more from Rod Gilbert and his guests
34:26as they continue to chew the fat
34:28over more of the week's funny stories
34:30on his radio show.
34:32Download the free podcast now
34:34at the BBC Radio Wales website.
34:48They've got a vacuum thing.
34:53They've got a vacuum.