Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 (music)
00:15 What do you say we tee off together, Hank?
00:17 Sure thing, Willie.
00:19 (music)
00:28 Solid and perfect!
00:30 (music)
00:39 You know, Hank, I've always wanted to sell propane and propane accessories like you do.
00:44 I guess this dang music thing came up.
00:47 Well, there ain't no changing the past, I guess. Let's jam.
00:51 (music)
01:11 What in the name of God?
01:14 (music)
01:16 Bobby!
01:18 Uh-oh.
01:19 (music)
01:23 (music)
01:52 Son, have you lost your mind?
01:55 Aren't you supposed to knock first? I could have been naked.
01:58 Bobby, how many times have I told you?
02:01 Betsy is not a toy.
02:03 She's a 1963 Guild Solid Top...
02:07 (sniffing)
02:09 What's that smell?
02:11 You been playing this with your feet?
02:13 That's cheese, Dad.
02:15 Why would there ever be cheese on Betsy?
02:19 It's funny. It's a comedy routine.
02:22 You know, you play the guitar with a piece of cheese and you go, "Hey, look at me. I'm Eddie Cheddar!"
02:29 (sniffing)
02:31 You know, it's from Celery Head.
02:33 What is a Celery Head?
02:35 He's the world's best comedian.
02:37 He glues things.
02:39 Like he glues a Kleenex box to a tennis shoe and goes,
02:42 (sniffing)
02:44 "This is in case you have a runny nose."
02:47 That's not a joke, son. That's a waste of good glue.
02:51 Well, he makes $3 million a year.
02:54 You must have got that wrong.
02:56 People don't pay money to see things like that.
03:00 Now, Robert Kline, that's something you pay money for.
03:04 (sniffing)
03:05 What is going on in there?
03:07 Peggy, I'm worried about our boy.
03:09 Some green-haired freak told him to rub cheese on my guitar.
03:14 Oh, you mean Celery Head.
03:16 I saw him on Entertainment Tonight.
03:19 He makes $3 million a year.
03:22 (sighing)
03:24 Lou Anne, good Lord, put on some pants.
03:27 I'm wearing shorts.
03:29 (laughing)
03:30 Don't scare me like that.
03:32 (sighing)
03:34 Look at this, Peggy. The boy chipped Betsy's bridge.
03:38 And he woke me up from my Willie Nelson golfing dream number three.
03:42 Hank, calm down. It is just a bunch of wood and some wires.
03:45 Wood and wires?
03:47 I've had Betsy since high school.
03:49 I took her to the prom.
03:51 I love this guitar.
03:53 Do you understand what I'm saying?
03:55 Do you understand what love means?
03:57 Yes. I love my family.
04:00 Yeah, now you're getting it.
04:01 That's the kind of love I have for Betsy.
04:05 (sighing)
04:06 I'm going back to sleep. You coming?
04:08 Mm-mm. I'm already up.
04:09 Besides, I wouldn't want to make Betsy jealous.
04:13 Lou Anne, would you please not sit like that?
04:17 (sighing)
04:19 I sell propane and propane accessories.
04:22 I tell you what.
04:24 Shut up, Dale.
04:27 (groaning)
04:31 (tires screeching)
04:32 Oh, Willie, no! That's a one-way street!
04:35 (horn honking)
04:36 Crap, Bobby, what happened to my truck?
04:39 Your mower hit it.
04:40 Well, maybe I ought to send my mower
04:43 to one of those children psychologists.
04:46 (grunting)
04:48 Are you mad about something, Aunt Peggy?
04:50 Man, why would I be mad?
04:52 Just because Hank pays more attention
04:54 to that silly guitar than he does to me.
04:57 (grunting)
04:59 Lay off the gas, Aunt Peg.
05:01 If I break another nail, I'll fail my manicure final.
05:04 Are you having trouble at the beauty academy, Lou Anne?
05:06 No.
05:08 I'm also failing braid work.
05:11 Braid work does not come natural
05:13 to the women in our family, honey.
05:15 You know it, I know it, and the whole town knows it.
05:18 Sounds like your horn's going off.
05:21 You really think so, Bill?
05:23 Oh, yeah!
05:25 Damn it, Hank, you know I can't have loud, sudden noises
05:29 while I'm meditating.
05:31 I was a nose hair away from attaining inner peace.
05:35 (grunting)
05:37 Don't even try to take credit for that.
05:40 It was not done by me.
05:42 It was done through me.
05:45 What is that chinging noise?
05:49 One of those stealth helicopters
05:51 with computerized noise cancellation capability.
05:55 They're still working the chings out.
05:58 Well, how'd you know about stealth helicopters?
06:01 Alt-dot conspiracy dot black dot helicopters.
06:05 Yeah, man, I tell you what, that dang old Internet, man,
06:08 you just go on there and point and click,
06:10 talk about W-W-dot-W-com,
06:12 you got them naked chicks on there, man,
06:14 you just go click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,
06:16 it's real easy, man.
06:18 Bobby, give me that club!
06:23 Son, maybe I'm not getting through to you.
06:26 Let me explain.
06:28 You gotta respect other people's things.
06:31 You do not use a man's pitching wedge to hit clumps of mud.
06:36 It's not mud, Dad.
06:38 It's dog dew.
06:40 Boy, ain't right.
06:43 Oh, yeah!
06:44 Excellent workout. I got my rotator cuff rotating.
06:47 My face feels weird.
06:49 Carlos!
06:51 Carlos?
06:52 You name your things, I'll name mine.
06:55 Well, what about that thing named Bobby?
06:57 What are we gonna do about him?
06:59 He seems bent on destroying everything I own.
07:03 Why can't he turn that energy into something useful?
07:06 Like that boy with no legs who ran across Canada.
07:10 Maybe you need to spend some time together,
07:12 you know, just talking.
07:13 You and Bobby.
07:14 Meno, ameno.
07:16 Well, I can't now. I'm going golfing.
07:18 Well, take him with you.
07:20 Peg, we're riding a full 18 holes today.
07:23 You know what that kind of stress can do to a boy?
07:28 Bobby, I apologize for yelling at you,
07:32 but sometimes you just don't listen.
07:35 It's like you got a problem with concentration.
07:39 Bobby?
07:42 Bobby?
07:43 Bobby!
07:45 Hey! You just killed me!
07:48 Well, you needed killing.
07:50 You know, I've been thinking, son,
07:52 and I realized you don't have any goals.
07:56 You gotta figure out what you wanna do with your life.
08:00 Okay, can we go to Six Flags?
08:03 I think you need a role model, Bobby.
08:07 Someone to emulate. A hero.
08:10 Someone besides that broccoli neck.
08:14 How about Eddie Stilson?
08:16 Can I emulate him?
08:18 Now there you go. Eddie Stilson.
08:21 Which one's he? Is he the space shuttle astronaut
08:24 or the stock car champ?
08:26 He got to the end of Level 6 in Scream Ninja.
08:29 Bobby, when I say "hero,"
08:31 I don't mean some weird Game Boy freak.
08:35 If you don't watch it, you're gonna end up like Jason Adderley's boy.
08:39 Deal me out this hand, Jason.
08:42 I'm about to bust.
08:45 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the bathroom.
08:47 Oh, good Lord!
08:49 You know Howard Adderley?
08:53 He's my number two hero after Eddie Stilson.
08:56 Bobby, you need to be lectured all afternoon.
09:01 Peggy, I'm taking the boy golfing and that's that.
09:04 Careful now, Peggy. Betsy isn't strapped in yet.
09:16 Oh, do not tell me you are taking that thing golfing with you now.
09:20 Don't be silly, Peg.
09:22 I'm just bringing her in to get fixed.
09:24 Sit in the middle, son.
09:26 I want to make sure Betsy's in front of the airbag.
09:29 So, Bobby, we got to think of a hero for you.
09:33 Do you have a hero, Dad?
09:35 I sure do, and it's Willie Nelson.
09:38 How come?
09:40 Well, you might say he's been my inspiration.
09:44 See, Willie grew up in Texas, and I grew up in Texas.
09:48 He loves golfing and playing guitar.
09:51 I love golfing and playing guitar.
09:54 He's had trouble with the IRS,
09:57 and I must have spent six hours last April on that 1040 form.
10:02 Easy, my ass.
10:05 Do you have a hero like that?
10:08 Uh, Willie Nelson?
10:11 You're just saying Willie Nelson because I said Willie Nelson.
10:16 No, I like Willie Nelson.
10:19 He's got long hair. He's alternative.
10:22 Now, you take that back.
10:24 I followed that man from country western to country to adult contemporary,
10:30 and that's as far as I'm going.
10:32 Here, son, take a look at that.
10:35 That's Willie Nelson's own personal golf course.
10:40 I am going to show that braiding machine who's boss, Aunt Peggy.
10:46 Go on, LeWin. Show this town there's a braider in the family.
10:50 I'm not scared of you. This time, I'm going to beat you at your own game.
10:56 Miss Kremser!
11:06 Someone!
11:09 It's the bridge, isn't it?
11:11 Well, bridge is the symptom. Phratosymmetry is the disease.
11:16 Smells like a belly button.
11:20 Yeah, my son was playing it with a piece of cheese.
11:23 You mean like celery head?
11:26 Look, I'm Camembert Humperdinck.
11:29 Les, go in the back and alphabetize the guitar strings.
11:34 Alphabetize by letter or just--
11:36 Les.
11:37 Okay.
11:38 All right. Cheese or not, this is a sweet, sweet guitar.
11:42 Is she for sale?
11:43 Not hardly. Just fixed the bridge, Earl.
11:46 Oh, didn't think so.
11:48 Most guys would sell their wives before they'd sell a guitar like this.
11:52 I got to remember that one.
11:56 Oh, heck, I got a million of 'em.
11:58 Like, women are a lot like a guitar.
12:01 They both come with strings attached.
12:07 Oh. Actually, I guess those are the only two.
12:10 Most women would be threatened by Betsy, but not me. I don't care.
12:14 And I would like to see that guitar come home and chicken fry a steak after substitute teaching all day.
12:19 Ow.
12:21 Why, thank you, Mrs. Hellman.
12:25 Santa Claus!
12:33 What are you talking about?
12:34 Santa Claus! He could be the boy's hero.
12:37 In one 24-hour period, he delivers toys and joy to every child on Earth.
12:42 Santa Claus is for babies.
12:44 You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
12:47 Damn Russian titanium, my lord.
12:56 [Birds chirping]
12:59 Huh. Maybe it's just first-hole jitters.
13:16 You got any tips, Boomhauer?
13:18 Yeah, man, I'll tell you what you do, man.
13:20 You just keep that dang old arm straight, man.
13:22 And you put your left hand still, man. Just speed it the hell up.
13:26 Let's roll. Come on, Bobby.
13:28 Oh, man. I'm out of cigarettes.
13:36 Dang old yoke that heads at four.
13:40 Mr. Gribble, who's your all-time hero?
13:43 You are if you get me some smokes.
13:46 So the stripper says to the pre-build, the boy.
13:51 Uh, she says, "I, uh, decided to repent and become a nun."
13:59 Dang old nun, man. Tell you what, man, that's pretty funny.
14:05 Hey, Dad, watch this.
14:07 No, no, son, don't.
14:09 All right, Bobby.
14:13 Well, I'll be.
14:15 Son, you just might be the next Lee Trevino,
14:18 without the crazy accent.
14:21 Tell you what, I'm gonna let you tee off on this hole.
14:24 Okay.
14:26 That's okay, Bobby. You can do it.
14:30 Just choke up on it and swing less like a girl.
14:34 Can I get a do-over?
14:42 Bobby, hop in.
14:44 Hank, dispose of the witnesses.
14:47 Dale, come back here.
14:49 Willie Nelson.
14:54 Check his pockets for cigarettes.
14:58 Willie Nelson. Oh, my Lord, are you okay?
15:04 Am I bleeding from the ears?
15:06 No.
15:07 Then I must be okay, then.
15:10 Oh, Mr. Nelson, I am so sorry.
15:14 My boy is new to golfing. Oh, gosh.
15:17 I'm your biggest fan. I go to every concert I can.
15:21 I've been to every Farm Aid except one.
15:24 I don't much care for that Brian Adams.
15:27 Damn, I wish I had my guitar here with me for you to sign.
15:31 Here. Why don't you make it out to, let's say, to my best friend.
15:38 No, no, I don't want you to lie.
15:40 To my good friend...
15:42 Ah, hmm.
15:44 To my number one fan, Hank Hill.
15:48 Hey, Willie, you know, I play guitar, too.
15:52 I also play golf, but you already know that.
15:56 But you probably don't know you're my hero.
16:01 He took our cart.
16:03 Was he bleeding from the ears?
16:05 No.
16:06 Well, he must be okay, then.
16:08 You don't understand, Peg.
16:10 A man only gets a chance to meet Willie Nelson once in his life.
16:15 It's supposed to be special.
16:17 We meet on the golf course.
16:19 He compliments him a perfect swing.
16:22 We start talking about music, cut an album, go on tour, open a chicken franchise.
16:30 How's that gonna happen now?
16:32 It's my fault for ever taking the boy with me.
16:36 I said I was sorry.
16:38 Um, are you Hank Hill?
16:40 Uh, yes.
16:44 I'm tired of being lack of focus.
16:46 I'm gonna show them I can do better.
16:49 I'm gonna make my dad proud.
16:51 I'm gonna not tell dad about that.
16:56 [music]
17:01 [doorbell rings]
17:04 Hey, is that Ben Crenshaw, Turbo Golf?
17:25 Yeah.
17:26 Ha! I can never get it past the bunker on the third hole.
17:29 Try letting it go just below the mark on your drive.
17:33 Hey, I know you. You're the kid that rakes my lawn.
17:36 No, I'm the kid who hit you in the head.
17:38 With a rake?
17:39 No, with a golf club.
17:41 You've been raking my yard with a golf club? I want my quarterback.
17:44 [phone rings]
17:46 Hill residence.
17:48 Dad! Guess where I am!
17:51 I don't know. Let's see. Crushing Dwight Yoakam's voice box with my five iron?
17:56 I'm at Willie Nelson's, and he wants you to come over.
18:00 Son, you're teasing the gorilla in the monkey house.
18:03 Willie Nelson here. Practically blind in one eye now, but I got your son here.
18:08 I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Nelson.
18:10 Bobby's never stalked anyone before, and he's not very good at it.
18:14 I mean, well, he shouldn't be stalking anybody.
18:17 I'll come get him right away.
18:19 [music]
18:33 Bobby? Bobby? Out of my way, rooster boy.
18:37 [music]
18:41 Betsy? What the...
18:45 Hey, Dad!
18:46 Hey, Hank. Bobby's been telling me all about you.
18:49 I hear you're a guitar player, and that you got an air of urethra.
18:53 Bobby.
18:54 Yeah, and he had me autographed your guitar.
18:56 You signed my guitar?
18:58 To my number one fan, Willie Nelson.
19:02 The fox chases the rabbit around the tree trunk and into the house.
19:07 I was so close.
19:09 [sobs]
19:11 Hill residence.
19:12 Peggy, you'll never guess. I'm at Willie Nelson's house.
19:16 He says we're all invited to his barbecue.
19:18 Gee, I'd love to come, Hank, but Ann Richards and I are doing our toenails.
19:22 I don't think so, Peggy. I'm looking at Ann Richards right now, and she's playing tetherball with one of my roadies.
19:28 See? That was him.
19:30 [gasps]
19:31 Oh, my lord. What do I wear?
19:33 It doesn't matter, Peg. Wear any old thing.
19:35 Oh, just don't forget to bring Betsy's orange woven shoulder strap.
19:40 Betsy sure is a beaut, Hank. I think Trigger's getting jealous.
19:45 Why, thank you, Willie. It sure means a lot coming from you.
19:49 You know what they say.
19:51 I'd sell my wife before I'd sell my guitar.
19:55 [laughs]
19:57 I tell you what, man. You do that thing old Mr. Tambourine man.
20:01 Talk about did come play a song for me and all that.
20:05 You could change your name to Zimmerman and you're all born again.
20:08 A whole bunch of kids are coming around, like Mad Dog and Denim, going platinum.
20:15 Who knows, accounting firms and that dang old Blumenauer.
20:19 Uh, ma'am, you're gonna want to angle that glass.
20:24 Uh-uh, you're blowing it.
20:26 You're gonna get nothing but foam.
20:29 Mm-hmm.
20:31 Yep.
20:35 You know, Mr. Hopper, I just loved you in that movie.
20:38 You know, the one where you played a mad villain.
20:41 Come on, Peggy, you wild thing.
20:43 Let's drive straight down to Mexico, huh? Come on, right this minute.
20:47 Mexico? I wonder what a wife goes for down there, huh?
20:52 One guitar, two guitars? I will have to ask Hank.
20:56 [snoring]
20:58 Los Mariachis son diablos.
21:01 He's not treating you right, Peggy. A delicate flower like you.
21:06 You want me to kick his ass?
21:08 Oh, you are so sweet to offer, Dennis.
21:11 But Hank would flatten you out like a bug.
21:14 No, this is something Peggy Hill has to handle on her own.
21:19 Oh, yeah!
21:20 Ha-ha, you go, girl.
21:22 That's some boy you got there, Hank.
21:29 [crying]
21:32 Well, it's nice of you to say that, Willie.
21:35 But Bobby's got no direction in life. No heroes.
21:39 When I was his age, I worshipped you.
21:42 And Jesus, of course.
21:45 Ever think you were too tough on the boy?
21:47 Oh, I don't know.
21:48 Just today, he chipped Betsy's bridge, ran into my truck with the mower,
21:53 dinged up my favorite wedge, and then dinged you up worse.
21:57 Well, now hold on there, Hank. You think about it.
21:59 Bobby wants to play your guitar, ride your mower, and swing your golf club.
22:05 I believe that kid does have a hero, and his name is Hank Hall.
22:09 Uh, Hill.
22:11 Yeah, right.
22:13 Bobby?
22:15 Bobby?
22:16 Bobby!
22:17 What?
22:18 I just want to, uh, thank you for helping me meet my hero and having him sign my guitar.
22:26 I helped him put ointment in his eye.
22:29 Now I'm going to show you something you can do with a guitar that doesn't involve cheese.
22:36 This is a song I wrote a long time ago.
22:39 [guitar music]
22:44 Well, I know a gal with a pretty leg.
22:47 She's a gal who can fry my egg.
22:51 And her name is Peg.
22:55 Well, Peggy Peg, Peggy Peg, Peggy Peg, Peggy Peg, Peggy Peg.
23:02 Peggy, my Peggy Peg.
23:07 Well, I love you and I love you, Peggy Peg.
23:12 Well, uh, then it just sort of goes off into a Buddy Holly riff.
23:17 Oh, Hank.
23:19 Peggy, oh, I didn't realize you were there.
23:23 Here, Bobby, go practice.
23:25 Are you sure it's okay for me?
23:27 Yeah.
23:28 You know, I was headed over here to knock you six ways from Sunday with that guitar.
23:32 Then I get here and you're playing that old song of yours and, well, I love you, propane man.
23:41 [guitar music]
23:48 You braided that perfectly, man.
23:50 But next time, lighten up a little on the glitter spray.
23:54 [guitar music]
24:04 What's that chord you hit on?
24:08 It's got a hold of it. It's a little longer.
24:11 Before you go to heaven.
24:18 Well, that's a good spot.
24:24 Let's go again.
24:26 [guitar music]