“I have a doesband - he does the chores without asking and we split everything equally"
- 11 months ago
A woman whose 'doesband' cracks on with chores without asking says an equal marriage shouldn’t be seen as "exceptional".
Abby Eckel, 34, is an equal parent and partner with her husband, 37 - who does not wish to be named.
A ‘doesband’ is the term coined for men who actively share household responsibilities and child-rearing tasks - without needing to be asked.
For Abby it means the pair split the chores by each cooking a meal three times a week, and sharing out who puts their two children - aged five and seven - to bed.
Abby says her husband will clean and complete the tasks without being asked but insists it wasn’t always the way.
After welcoming their first, Abby felt she was taking on an unequal share of the parenting due to her husband's work schedule.
Since having a second child, her husband's work schedule has changed to allow them to split everything equally.
Abby - who owns a social media consultancy business - from Kansas City, Kansas, US, said: “Equality in marriage is not exceptional behaviour.
“I never felt I need to make lunch for him or do his laundry. I’m not his mum.
“He’s always surprised me with trips and outfits. He gets me shoes and handbags because he knows me well enough to know the things I like.
“He pays attention to things I like and interest me.
“I do all of these things too - that is what a partnership is.”
Abby had been struggling with an imbalance of parenting when the couple had their first child.
She said: “When we had our youngest, my husband had a job with long hours.
“It started out as unequal. I took on more than is fair.
“I turned around when I went back to work and said ‘hey, you need start cooking dinner. You need to start putting him to bed.’
"We started on like this from the get-go.”
Abby and her husband share out the household chores and parenting duties equally between them.
She said: “Now we each make three meals a week – and switch who does the grocery shop.
“We switch who puts who to bed.
“We do our own laundry. I do the youngest's laundry with him, and he does the eldest’s laundry with them.
“The communal stuff – we switch it up.”
Abby said she is often told she is “lucky” to have her husband who takes his fair share of the tasks and asked how she knew he would be an equal parent.
She said: “When I first met my husband, his living space was clean. It was meticulous. He dressed well.
“I think seeing how someone treats and takes care of the current space they are in it’s probably the most telling thing.
“I’ve always been told how lucky I am.
“No one's ever told me ‘your husband is blessed to have you’.
“People see men doing this as exceptional.
“They view equality is exceptional – this narrative needs to be changed.
“Neither of us does it to be praised.”
The couple put their relationship first and make sure to make time for date nights – even if it is just quality time at home together without screen time.
Abby said: “I’m not reminding him of the ways that I need to feel loved.
Abby Eckel, 34, is an equal parent and partner with her husband, 37 - who does not wish to be named.
A ‘doesband’ is the term coined for men who actively share household responsibilities and child-rearing tasks - without needing to be asked.
For Abby it means the pair split the chores by each cooking a meal three times a week, and sharing out who puts their two children - aged five and seven - to bed.
Abby says her husband will clean and complete the tasks without being asked but insists it wasn’t always the way.
After welcoming their first, Abby felt she was taking on an unequal share of the parenting due to her husband's work schedule.
Since having a second child, her husband's work schedule has changed to allow them to split everything equally.
Abby - who owns a social media consultancy business - from Kansas City, Kansas, US, said: “Equality in marriage is not exceptional behaviour.
“I never felt I need to make lunch for him or do his laundry. I’m not his mum.
“He’s always surprised me with trips and outfits. He gets me shoes and handbags because he knows me well enough to know the things I like.
“He pays attention to things I like and interest me.
“I do all of these things too - that is what a partnership is.”
Abby had been struggling with an imbalance of parenting when the couple had their first child.
She said: “When we had our youngest, my husband had a job with long hours.
“It started out as unequal. I took on more than is fair.
“I turned around when I went back to work and said ‘hey, you need start cooking dinner. You need to start putting him to bed.’
"We started on like this from the get-go.”
Abby and her husband share out the household chores and parenting duties equally between them.
She said: “Now we each make three meals a week – and switch who does the grocery shop.
“We switch who puts who to bed.
“We do our own laundry. I do the youngest's laundry with him, and he does the eldest’s laundry with them.
“The communal stuff – we switch it up.”
Abby said she is often told she is “lucky” to have her husband who takes his fair share of the tasks and asked how she knew he would be an equal parent.
She said: “When I first met my husband, his living space was clean. It was meticulous. He dressed well.
“I think seeing how someone treats and takes care of the current space they are in it’s probably the most telling thing.
“I’ve always been told how lucky I am.
“No one's ever told me ‘your husband is blessed to have you’.
“People see men doing this as exceptional.
“They view equality is exceptional – this narrative needs to be changed.
“Neither of us does it to be praised.”
The couple put their relationship first and make sure to make time for date nights – even if it is just quality time at home together without screen time.
Abby said: “I’m not reminding him of the ways that I need to feel loved.